Friday, September 26, 2008

V.C. Andrews Theatre Presents...

Zipporah: Karen Stoker is my best friend. She’s beautiful, mysterious, intriguing, amazing, demanding, bitchy, moody, and looks down on everyone else. She’s everything I want to be. *dreamy sigh*

Karen: Don’t be thick!

Karen: Hey, Zipporah, I have cleavage.

Zipporah: I want some too!

Alice: Karen’s bad news. I’d make some real friends if I were you.

Zipporah: You’re bitchier than Karen. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be friends with you?

Karen: My life sucks. I wish I had your family and we were sisters. I hate my stepfather. He’s mean and strict and my mother lets him do whatever he wants with me.

Zipporah: Poor Karen! Come here, I’ll make it feel all better. What’s with the bruise on your shoulder?

Karen: Nothing! Mind your own business! Don’t be thick!

Zipporah: Karen, you’ve been ignoring me for days. Tell me what’s wrong!

Karen: Get away from me. Even though you’re the only--and I do mean only--friend I’ve got, I’m going to be cold and distant with you and act like you mean nothing to me.

Zipporah: Wah!! Why is Karen crying? Why won’t she talk to me? What have I done to deserve this cold-hearted bitch of a best friend?

Zipporah: Why won’t Karen answer the door? Why is she avoiding me like this?

Mrs. Pearson: Karen, come down and talk to your only friend.

Karen: Leave me alone!

Zipporah: I’ve had it. Karen Stoker, you’re my best friend and I’m not going to let you ignore me. Tell me what’s going on. Or else!

Karen: You wanna know? Fine. My stepfather touches me and fondles me and has sex with me every night while my mother’s getting her nails and hair and whatever else done. He pretends his mother’s still alive in the apartment on the back of the house and dresses up in her nightgown and wears her wig.

Zipporah: Sure you haven’t been watching too many movies lately?

Karen: I’m you’re only friend. Why would I lie to you? Don’t be thick!

Zipporah: I know what we can do. The next time he comes to you, you could wear the nightgown and the wig, pretending to be his mother, and tell him he better leave you alone. Or that might turn him on.

Karen: There’s no reason in the world why that won’t work.

Zipporah: Karen wasn’t in school today. I wonder what happened last night.

Mrs. Stein: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Karen murdered her stepfather last night and took off.

Zipporah: Karen? My precious Karen?

Zipporah: OMG it’s Karen! She’s been hiding in my attic!

Karen: I have no place to go. And since you’re my whipped doormat I knew you wouldn’t turn me in if I came here.

Zipporah: What happened?

Karen: I killed him, you moron. Don’t be thick!

Zipporah: I mean, oh never mind. You can’t stay here. You’re putting me in danger now, too.

Karen: I thought you were my friend, Zipporah! After everything we shared, after all I’ve meant to you, I though you could at least do me the teensy itty bitty favor of aiding and abetting a murderer!

Zipporah: You’re right. I’m sorry I ever had a thought that forged itself from my own free will. Of course you can stay here. But now you have to tell me what happened?

Karen: I killed him. What are you, thick? But if you want gory details, he got mad at me pretending to be his mom and got violent, so I got out my knife I keep next to his bed and kept stabbing him until he was dead. It was sort of fun. I'd do it again.

Mr. Stein: The police want to talk to you about Karen, honey. Since you were her only friend. Do you have any idea what might’ve happened.

Zipporah: Well, she never liked him.

Mean Police Officer: Do you know what she did? Huh? Do you?

Zipporah: She never liked Mr. Pearson. She had headaches a lot.

Other Mean Police Officer: I think she’s hiding something.

Karen: So they grilled you? You didn’t let anything slip, did you? That would be so like you.

Zipporah: No! Of course not! All I told them was you didn’t like him and you had headaches.

Karen: Good. Everything’s going according to plan. Muwahahaha! Thick.

Zipporah: Karen? Are you alright?

Karen: Never better! Let’s have pizza!

Karen; You have to have all the romance for both of us now.

Zipporah: Are you serious?

Karen: Absolutely. I will not leave until you’ve lost your virginity.

Zipporah: *stare*

Karen: Dana, the most hottest guy at school, likes you. I made sure of that by telling him you’re a slu-sweetly beautiful girl. By the way, you should read your brother’s diary. I did.

Zipporah: How could you?

Karen: Because I slept with him last summer and it was really fun.

Zipporah: What was that?

Karen: Eat some more pizza.

Zipporah: My parent’s are taking me to New York this weekend to get my mind of the tragedy.

Karen: Perfect! This is a great opportunity. I’ll record a message for my mother and you can play it for her over the phone while you’re in New York so it'll throw the feds off of me being here. The fact that you happen to be in New York the same day I make the call won’t appear suspicious at all! Hey, that rhymes. I should be a poet. To kill thy bastard step-father, or not to kill thy bastard step-father? That is the question.

Alice: You’re friend didn’t turn out to be so great, now did she.

Zipporah: I’d still rather be friends with a murderer than with you.

Dana: What’s cookin’, good-looking’?

Zipporah: Nothing. I’m eating my lunch right now.

Dana: Oh, don’t be thick.

Zipporah: That’s Karen’s phrase! I won’t let you use it for your own perversion!!

Dana: I bet you know where she is, don’t you? We should get together and you, “talk” about Karen. And by talk I mean have sex. In my car. A lot.

Zipporah: I’m going out of town.

Zipporah: Dana tried to get me to go out with him today. I don’t think I will.

Karen: Oh yes you will. I worked so hard on getting him to like you! Now this is how you’re going to do it. You’re going to meet him in secret and have sex in his car. It’ll be so much fun. And then we’ll be sisters because we’ll both be sluts!

Zipporah: I’m not following your logic.

Karen: Don’t be thick!

Zipporah: Don't you ever get sick of saying that?

Zipporah: It sure is fun here in New York. I almost forgot about Karen. My dad met some friends and my mom’s in the shower so I’m going to make that phone call to Mrs. Pearson now at a phone booth only one block away from the hotel. And no one will even notice the recording device I’m holding up to the phone.

Mean Police Officer: Karen called here from New York the same day you Stein’s were in New York. That sounds pretty damned coincidental if you ask me.

Mrs. Pearson: Zipporah, you must’ve had some idea that something like this might happen.

Zipporah: None at all. *whistle*

Mrs. Pearson: I’m sorry if I sounded like I was interrogating you. Karen was difficult to deal with and I’m only sorry you chose her for a friend.

Zipporah: This isn’t her fault.

Mr. Stein: Out with it, Zipporah, what are you hiding?

Zipporah: I can’t take it anymore. Mr. Pearson raped her. He came into her room at night.

Mr. Stein: I see. I’m going to talk to the police about it.

Dana: I’m giving you one last chance to act like I’m the handsome sex God I know I am. Meet me by the ice cream parlor tonight. Be square or be there. Wait…

Zipporah: I’ll think about it.

Karen: Make sure you’re the one who touches him first. You have the power!!!! Oh, and wear my red panties. And my skirt. Actually, wear my whole outfit. That way it’ll be easier for him to pretend you’re me.

Zipporah: Karen, you’re starting to weird me out.

Dana: Let’s have sex.

Zipporah: I don’t want to.

Dana: I don’t care.

Zipporah: Don’t do this, Dana. Don’t be a rapist! I’m a virgin!

Dana; You better not tell anyone about his.

Karen: Well, what happened.

Zipporah: We didn’t have sex. It was awful. I’ve had it. We can’t pretend anymore. Everything’s gone too far.

Karen: You’re making me feel unwanted, Zipporah. You don’t want to make me feel unwanted. Look what happened to my stepfather.

Zipporah: Um…yeah. My dad’s home. I have to go downstairs and pretend I don’t know where you are now.

Mr. Stein: You’re brother’s coming home early.

Zipporah: Oh no! I mean, good. I missed him.

Mr. Stein: Why do I keep getting this strange feeling that you’re not telling me something.

Zipporah: Because I’m not.

Mr. Stein: Oh, that explains it.

Zipporah: You have to go. There’s no way we can keep this up after Jesse gets home.

Karen: Oh, I’ll think of something. I always do.

Jesse: Hey, sis.

Zipporah: Jesse! You’re home!

Jesse: I love these periods of quality time we share. How are you?

Zipporah: Well...

Jesse: Enough about you, now tell me what happened with Karen.

Zipporah: Her step-father was coming into her room at night.

Jesse: That poor girl. So do you know anything else? I mean, she was really hot.

Zipporah: Huh?

Jesse: About the murder. About where she might’ve gone.

Zipporah: No. I don’t. Can we talk about something other than Karen now?

Mr. Stein: Time to go see the police again, honey. They want to talk to you about this nasty rape business.

Zipporah: For the last time, Mr. Pearson was coming into her room at night. He used to pretend his mother was still alive and talk to her in the back apartment of the house. He would even wear her nightgown and wig and make up.

Mean Police Officer: Sure you haven’t seen Psycho a few too many times?

Zipporah: I’m telling the truth! Why doesn’t anybody believe me?

Zipporah: Karen, I have to talk to you.

Karen: I don’t need you. I’ve got Jesse now. He knows I’m here. I pretended like I just got here and cried about how hard it was in New York. I wish they gave Academy Awards for performances in real life. And I’m being completely modest.

Zipporah: It doesn’t make me suspect in the slightest that you may have put on a “performance” for me.

Karen: I was protecting you, you know. I made Jesse think you don’t know I’m here.

Zipporah: Of course. You’re always doing everything for me.

Dana: Did you tell Karen about our fun adventure together?

Zipporah: I think I’m feeling a bit sick. Cough Oh, nurse. Nurse, I need to go home.

Zipporah: OMG! Karen! How could you?

Jesse: It’s not what it looks like. Okay, you caught me, it is. But she needs help right now.

Zipporah: She’s wanted for murder, Jesse! What kind of help is having sex with her? I used to think you were so much better than me but not anymore. Now you stay down here and be quiet and I’m going to go upstairs and talk to Karen.

Karen: What? Are you going to blame me for everything? Don’t be thick. He has his own free will.

Zipporah: Did you ever do it with him before.

Karen: Of course I did. You should try it. That boy is HAWT!

Zipporah: As much as I know everyone loves to hear the kinky details of sex with their brother, there are more pressing matters at hand. We’re gonna tell him the truth.

Karen: Of course. The “truth”. It’s a good thing Jesse knows. He’ll help us.

Jesse: I’m gonna find out what the police questioned your mom about.

Karen: You’re the best.

Zipporah: And what am I? Chopped liver?

Karen: You know I love you, Zipporah! Night night.

Jesse: Tomorrow night we’re gonna check out the Bates Hotel.

Zipporah: You did not just say that.

Zipporah: Well, what’d you see.

Jesse: Nothing.

Zipporah: What do you mean, nothing? What did you see, Jesse?

Jesse: It’s an unfinished apartment. Harry Pearson’s mother could never have lived there.

Zipporah: Her original plan was to dress up as his mother and pretend she was her and order him to leave Karen alone.

Jesse: She left the wig and nightgown behind?

Zipporah: Yes.

Jesse: How do you know all that?

Zipporah: I knew she was here the whole time. She lied to you to protect me, so she says. I was the one who made the phone call in New York. She also read your diary, just so you know. And neither of us will even think about what else Karen could’ve lied to us about.

Jesse: I’m gonna pick you up from school tomorrow and we’re gonna talk to Karen about the apartment and what I find out from Dad.

Mr. Stein: I got that phone call you were waiting for, son.

Jesse: And?

Mr. Stein: There was no way anyone ever lived in the apartment. According to Mrs. Pearson, the other Mrs. Pearson had her own bedroom upstairs and never moved out. They found Harry Pearson’s body and the knife. Nothing else.

Jesse: Could they have missed something? Like a nightgown shaped something?

Mr. Stein: You two know something more than what you’re telling me? Spit it out.

Zipporah: It’s my fault. I spoke to Karen after the murder. Here.

Mr. Stein: Where is she now?

Zipporah: In the attic. She’s been here the whole time.

Mr. Stein: You’ve gotta be effing kidding me. Bring her down here!

Zipporah: Karen, are you here?

Karen: No.

Zipporah: Karen’s not here anymore.

Mr. Stein: I’m going to the cops.

Zipporah: Karen, come out now.

Jesse: There’s no proof to support your story. There’s no apartment, no wig, no nightgown.

Karen: They’re lying, Jesse.

Jesse: Dad knows everything.

Karen: Even about us?

Jesse: Karen.

Karen: Bye, squares. It’s been fun. Or something like the opposite of fun. I can’t tell which. I think I’ll go home now.

Zipporah: Well that was anticlimactic.

Mrs. Pearson: Karen’s pregnant.

Jesse: My bad.