Monday, November 16, 2009

Terrible Tales of Horror: Any Way the Wind Blows... Part 2, because plagerism is fun!

Last time on Any Way the Wind Blows, we learned our heroine Kelly’s dad ditched her family when she was four, her mom has killed people and it’s possible Kelly has too, and her young looking geriatric aunt gave her an evil ring from Mars, which is causing her to hear a strange man‘s voice in her head. What can possibly happen next?

Chapter Two--Innocent

[*snort* Hardly.]

About the time I started writing in a diary. When I got home that night my mother surprised me by telling me Aunt Laurella had stopped by and dropped of an old book.

It was brown on the outside, and was made out of leather. My name was inscribed on the inside cover. And that made me happy. The pages had all faded to a dull yellow and I could tell that it was old. And that was OK with me because I liked old things.

I wrote in it about my crushes, my hopes, my fears, and all my dates with boys. [You’re fricken SEVEN!] It was a very private.

Also, the day after I got back from meeting Aunt Laurella, something happened to me.

It was recess, and I was sitting in the grass showing my ring to my best friend, Sarah.

Sarah Beth Fear [Told you this was a Fear Street fanfic.] wasn’t exactly rich, but she wasn’t all that poor, either. Sarah wasn’t exactly pretty. She wasn’t ugly either. [This story isn’t great. It’s not good either.] Sarah had long light blond hair, and dark brown eyes that never showed any emotion what-so-ever.

Sarah was seven--like me--and we were in the same class. Her family lived right next door to mine.

Sarah’s father was in the car selling business. He took old cars and restored them like new. Her mother on the other hand worked for a modeling agency. She wasn’t a model herself--she had tried to be but was too short--she was vice president off the agency. Julie Fear was pretty famous. [Because other models FEAR her. Yeah. I said it.]

Sarah’s family owned the south half of the town practically. The Fear’s owned Fear Street, The Simon Fear Mansion [Why haven’t they torn it down?], The Fear Street Woods, Fear Lake, Fear Island, and The Fear Street Cemetery. [Can city cemeteries be privately owned?] They owned a lot. Hell, they even owned our house.

For I lived at 97 Fear Street. [Next door to 99, the house of evil.] But they didn’t charge us any rent because Julie and my father had grown up together, and she and my mother were quite close. [I wish I had friends like that. ^_^]

Well anyways, Sarah and I wre sitting on the grass looking at the ring, when Xena Anderson [Who is actually still in the current day version of this story, and she’s still a bitch.] and her fan club--Mara Zuchensky, and Emily Morris--walked up and grabbed it out of my hand.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Xena?” I asked.

She held it up to her pale face with her left hand. “I thought you had better taste for jewelry than this, it ain’t even real silver.”

I jumped to my feet. “Give it back,” I demanded holding out my right hand.

“Oh, it’s sentimental value to you,” Xena said very melodramatically. “Why, Kelly, I didn’t believe that feelings existed to The Ice Princess.” She raised her right hand up to the small of her neck as she said this.

That’s also another thing about me, along with ’The Ice Princess,’ I had about half a dozen more stupid nicknames; Kelly K, Hold ‘em, Thrill ‘em, Kiss ‘em, Kill ‘em Coffield [Oh Lord did I actually take this from the song from Batman Forever?], The Megabtich, Kell Bell, Whore around Coffield [Well, from the sounds of her dates she kind of earned this one.], and Kell.

Xena was standing there so strongly, and confidently. Her long light blond hair flowing gently in the breeze. Her clear jade green eyes staring directly into my demonic once. So cruelly, as if challenging me to do something if I dared. But then something just went off.

I grabbed her pale skinny neck, pushed her down and banged her head into the ground. That stunned her. Then I grabbed the arm where she was holding my silver ring. I raised her wrist up to my mouth and bit her as hard as I could on her vain. [Is her ¾ demonic nature actually vamparic?]

The pale, blonde, and beautiful, Xena Anderson who I hated so that moment screamed all her bloody hearts content and dropped the ring. [Mission accomplished, or Nimnu kanryou as Heero would say.] Then Mara and Emily started screaming too, while as Sarah just stared. [She’s thinking about what a freak her best friend is.]

I picked up the ring and walked off licking the blood on my lips. I didn’t know why I licked the blood, I just did. But all too soon I heard Him again. [No, not God.]

“Very good, Kelika.”

I stopped. “Who are you?” I asked.

“I might as well introduce myself,” He said. “I am Kratine, of the ancient past.” [Those who get this win a picture of an apple!]

Quickly, before ‘Kratine,’ or whoever he was noticed, I turned back to see what was going on back at the playground. Xena was crying hysterically, and our second grade teacher was trying to get her to shut up. I saw all the kids in my class, along with other second grade classes were gathering around to watch. Among them I saw my sister, Laura, and her own best friend, Angela Goode. [I had to work one in somewhere.] But she wasn’t all that good. [Haha! Bad joke!] In my life, I did a lot to Angela. A lot of stuff that hurt her. Now that I think of it, I’m not sorry for any of it. [Since I never made it that far, I’ll go ahead and explain. Later when they’re in their twenties Kelly steels Angela’s husband.] And I just kept walking till I got home.

I was surprised to see my mother home. I wasn’t quite sure what she did for a living, but I knew it paid handsomely. But why we didn’t live in a better nationhood [Or pay their generous friends something], I found out alter in my life. [I don’t think she actually ever did.]

“Mother,” I said as I walked into the dining room. “What are you doing home?”

Mother was staring into the mirror right beside it on the wall. “Just thinking, Kelika.”

“About what?” I asked. I looked at my mothers reflection in the mirror. Her long blond hair was scraggly and unwashed. Her bangs hung in her face, and I saw tears in her cerelean blue eyes. I had never seem her cry before.

“My parent,” she said. Mother sighed and put her head in her hands. “I am weak,” she said forlornly.


“Because I’m crying.” She rose her head out of her hands and a wry smile crossed her beautiful pale face. “About my parents.” She looked at me. “Crying is a weakness, Kelika. Don’t ever do it. Especially not in front of anybody.” [Because repression is so healthy.] She turned away from me and looked back into the mirror.

“Mother,” I said.

“Yes, Kelika.”

“Things have been going on with me.”

“What kind of things?”

“Well, there’s this lizard, and--”

She cut me off. “Lizard? I think you’ve been spending too much time by yourself.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I looked up at her. “I know it sound crazy, but he’s really there. He made me do something today. He made me bite Xena Anderson’s wrist.”

She was just staring at me then, as if she was trying to project a part of herself into me. “Did this ‘Lizard,’ have a name, Kelika?”

“Yes,” I replied softly. “Kratine.”

She stared at me and her face when pale. Then she smacked me right across my face. “Never mention him to me, again,” she said through clenched teeth. Then she stood up and started to walk back to her room when she turned around to look at me. “Never!” she screamed.

I just sat there till the others got home.

“You wouldn’t know cool if it bit you on the ass,” I heard my brother Michael yelling from the front hall.

“I would so,” my sister Laura replied.

“You shouldn’t swear, Michael,” my sister Megan said that too him. Boy was she ever a goody-goody.

Jus then Jennifer came running in. “Guess what, Kelly?” [You’d think they’d be asking her what happened in school]

“What,” I said with no emotion.

“I’m getting skipped to the fourth grade.” She looked so happy. Her curly black pigtails bopping u and down.

“What” I was surprised. I knew Jen-Jen was smart, but I never guess that she would be skipped a grade.

“Well at least I actually have friends, Jennifer. I don’t go around acting like I’m better than God,” Michael said.

“Well you act like you’re better than shit.” [???]

“I am better than shit.”

“No you are not.” [This is the girl whose getting skipped a grade.]

“I am too.” [I grow weary of the siblings. They added nothing to the story, anyway. I don’t even know why they’re there. Or why so many. In later versions I got rid of Michael and Laura.]

This never ending battle between Michael and Jennifer was getting old and tiresome. “Will you both shut the hell up,” I said. They were both quiet and turned to look at me. “Jen-Jen, Michael is better than shit.” I said looking at her. Then I turned to look at Michael. “Michael, Jennifer does not think she’s better than shit. [I think you meant God, Kell.] Ok.” They didn’t answer. And Laura spoke.

“Why did you do it, Kell Bell?” she asked me, ger green eyes penetrating into mine.

“Huh? Do what?” Megan asked, her cerelean blue eyes wide with envy that Laura knew something she didn’t.

“Yeah, what did you do, Kelly?” Michael asked. “I heard rumors that you were a vampire, an tried to drink The Anderson Bitch’s blood.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Laura said. Sweet Laura. Always sticking up for me. Would she ever stop? [They were intended to have the Elizabeth-Jessica kind of relationship. Gag.]

“First of all, what did Kelly do?” Jen-Jen now had control of the group that was trying to figure out what I did, and I wasn’t even a part of it, when mother came out of her room. No one got to answer Jennifer’s question.

“What the hell are you kids doing home so early?” she said to the other four. But not to me. She knew why I came home. And no one answered her ridiculous question. “I’m going out of town for a little while. “It was then I noticed her suitcases behind her. Mother took out something from her pocket. “Here,” she said. It ws five bills of money. The first one to Jen-Jen. The second to Laura. The third to Megan. The fourth to Michael. And the last to me. I tooka look at it and was surprised to see a one hundred dollar bill.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

“I’ll be back in two weeks.” She went to get her bags when Jen-Jen stopped her. “What do you want, Jennifer?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m getting skipped to the fourth grade.”

“That’s great, Jen. Bye.” And she left. [I think Suzy pwns at bad parenting. And in case it wasn’t mentioned, Michael is the oldest at ten, Jennifer’s eight, the twins are seven, and Megan’s five.]

“I think she just wants to get away from us,” Megan said. “She doesn’t love us anymore.”

“I don’t think she ever did,” Michael chirped in.

“You’re such a downer, Michael,” Laura sad to him.

“No he’s not, he’s sexist,” Jen-Jen said.

“Will you all shut up. I’m getting really sick of your fighting.”

“Kelika,” Laura said sweetly. She was one of the few precious people whom I allowed to call me by my real name. I didn’t even look u at her as she said my name. I just got up and left the room.

After my mother got back, [What? Nothing about the two weeks she was gone? Nothing about how they didn’t have anything to eat and spent their money on the crap they didn’t get from their mother? Nothing at all?] she started making me see a psychiatrist. His name was Dr. Nesbit. He was old and had white hair. Dr. Nesbit fit the description of what most people think that a psychiatrist looks like. Child patients often have a choice to do something constructive when we were talking to the guy. [Not that I know from experience.] I myself was painting a picture.

“What do you think your problem is, Kelika.” [He fails as a psychiatrist.]

I wlake over to him confidently. “First thing’s first, ass hole. Don’t you ever call me Kelika again. I don’t like you, and I should hope you don’t like me. So I’ll call you Dr. Nesbit, and you sure as hell have better not call me Kelika.”

“Well then what would you like me to call you?”


“Alright Kelly. What do you think your problem is?”

“I ain’t got no problem.” I walked back over to the painting stand, and started painting a picture.

A little while later, Dr. Ass Hole--as I’d like to call him--came over to look at my painting.”

“Tha’s a very interesting painting, Kelly,” he said nervously. I could tell he was afraid of me. It was one of my powers. I could sense fear. I allways thought it was funny. Half the people I knew’s number one fear was me. Even Sarah and Kyle. I’ve explained Sarah, but not Kyle. My dear Kyle. He was my worst enemy for half my life, but not all of it.

“What is it, Kelly?”

He was looking at it to see if it had hidden meaning. If it was a metaphore. I often spoke in metaphores, but his was not one of those times. [I think I was confused about what a metaphor was.]

What Dr. Ass hole was looking at, a blond girl laying I a coffind, a man with black hair, and another woman with blond, staring down at the dead girl, it wasn’t exactly a metaphore, but it wasn’t necessarily far from the truth as well. Those two people staring down at the dead girl actually came to her funeral, 20 years into the future that is. [This is foreshadowing.]

“It’s me,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s me.”

“Kelly, you don’t have blond hair, you have black.”

“I’m going to dye it in the future.”

“Well who are the other two?”

“The guys my husband.”

“And the other?”

I shrugged.

After that I went home and never went back. [Well wasn’t that…pointless…]

My life went on somewhat normally for the next three years. Till I reached age 10. Fifth grade.

Kratine stopped speaking to me shortly after my visit with Dr. Ass Hole. He pretended to leave, and I believed it for a while.

When I was ten I met someone very vital in my life. She almost stole my votes for Miss Shadyside. Nearly stole my boyfriend. Tried to drive me insane.

She may have done a lot of horrible things to me, but I did worse to her, and a lot of other people.

Let’s just say that I don’t like to be ignored.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Maxx, Episode 2

Last post I mentioned that this is a six episode series. That was both right and wrong. It's actually 13 episodes, but when it aired on MTV it aired in six episodes with five half hour segments containing two episodes each, and the final episode being an hour long with a recap of eps 1-10 and then eps 11-13.

But anyways, onto episode two. It begins with Maxx educating us about some of the creatures of the Outback.

The Outback Slug: "It can leap nearly a quarter mile straight into the air, but it has never mastered the ability to land. It has no predators. It is just...stupid."

The Great Northern Crabbit: "It can land and jump. But it has a natural enemy. The izs."

The Izs: "It can jump and land and has no predators. Unless you count...ME! "

And Maxx crushes it with his fist, killing the creatures.

Back in the city we have a voice on a radio informing us that Mr. Gone has thusfar killed 12 people and the cops are baffled. Maxx and Julie are walking back from the police station, Julie lost in her thoughts. She's thinking about Maxx. How he doens't have any idea what's really going on and justifies getting into trouble with the law with the excuse that in another world he was protecting the Jungle Queen. She thinks it's sort of good that at least in his dreams he's a hero. Overall she's pretty cynical. She thinks the city's full of people who are experts at avoiding reality. That no one really wants to know what's going on out there. The best thing is to not think about it and move on (very important facet of Julie's character).

When they get back to her apartment Maxx falls asleep on the couch and has another dream of the Outback. He quickly wakes up and Julie tells him it's almost night, he needs to go. She got him a coat and hat though. Maxx is more interested in toast.

Meanwhile in a dirty laundromat elsewhere, a girl named Glorie is doing her laundry with her boyfriend Tommy who is touching her ass. She's playing with a large butcher knife her father gave her for protection. She dresses like a ho so she'll probably need it. Tommy slips his hand down her panties and she tells him to lay off and get them some cokes. He goes and immediately after he leaves Mr. Gone appears and his evil cap seems to stretch to cover all the machines in the vicinity as if it has a life of it's own.

Mr. Gone starts going on about how he can feel the beating of her heart and calls her a "small, delicious slug." Ew. He then sends out his evil minions to maim her.

Vicious little buggers. All goes dark and we next see Tommy coming down the walk gathering up the courage to tell Glorie they're going steady. He sees her body and faints.

Back at Casa Julie Maxx feels bad that the woman he was trying to protect got hurt. She tells him it's not his responsibity to try to save women who can't take care of themselves. As he leaves Julie's phone rings and it's Mr. Gone telling her "The others cry out for you, Julie Winters. Their screams of agony are the kisses I place along your neck." She's had the line tapped and asks him to go on. He's aware of it and tells her so, saying he's having a servant place this call. Outside as Maxx is walking by we see a little nasty blue Isz using a payphone while holding a wireless one (old cell phone?) beside it.

The Iz notices him, smiles, and runs for it. Maxx realizes it's a dark Iz and isn't sure what's it's doing there. The Iz goes through a narrow alley and Maxx runs around and catches him a trash can. He opens it up to deal with it and sees it's gone, it bit through the steel of the bin. He finds it climbing a drain pipe an chases it all over the city, ending up at a gas station where it leaps to it's splattering death. Maxx is greeted by Mr. Gone, who we really get to see for the first time.

Wouldn't want to roll over and see that thing in the morning. Maxx asks him who he is and he's very surprised Maxx doesn't remember and mentions that he normally hates killing amnesiacs. Maxx sees the Izs and remembers everything about the Outback, and now knows it's real. Mr. Gone confirms this and tells him it's too bad he'll be eaten before he'll have a chance to mutter it to anyone and we end with the evil little creatures giggling maliciously (or whatever it is they do).

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Maxx, Episode 1

Way back in the good old days when MTV didn't suck and a small ten-year-old girl watched it as though it would answer all the secrets of the universe, there came along a cartoon called The Maxx, about a purple clad super hero who was homeless and got arrested all the time, all the while shifting between this world and a parellel dimension of his social worker's creation. Confused? Yeah, there was some fucked up shit going on in this cartoon. But I drank it in. I recorded every episode and watched it every weekend to the point that even NOW, I know the whole damn six-episode series by heart. Though I still have my tape my VCR stopped working some time ago so I haven't actually seen it in years. So imagine my delight in a vain attempt to find it on DVD I discovered that MTV put online. So many ideas for my stories came from this series, the characters from Jimmy Dearest were pure plagerism. It had such a tremendous effect on my writing and I can see it's effects even now. As soon as I saw the opening my mind screamed MUST.RECAP.THIS.NOW. How could you not love a show that opens with this:

Most of us inhabit at least two worlds. The real world, where we're at the mercy of circumstance. And the world within. The unconscious. A safe place. The Maxx shifts between these worlds against his will. Here, homeless, he lives in a box in an alley. The only one who really cares for him is Julie Winters, a freelance social worker. But in Pangea, the other world, he rules the Outback and is the protector of Julie, his Jungle Queen. There he cares for her. But he always ends up back in the real world. And me, old Mr. Gone, only I can see that the secret which unites them could destroy them. I could be helpful. Ah, screw it. I think I'll have some fun with them first. Mwahahahahahah!

Yeah. That was from memory. *the shame, the shame* So yes, I lift from obscurity a childhood obsession for others to enjoy: The Maxx.

So Maxx is a big guy who wears a purple suit and a mask and lives in a box. He has amnesia and has no idea who he really is. The show starts with an ass hole cab driver Renny dropping off a woman on her way to the theatre on the bad side of town where two of his lackey's, Fridge and Tigo can jump her. Maxx tries to save her and ends up killing Tigo, but the body falls out of site as does the woman. The Maxx is arrested for messing with Fridge and as the cops lead him away the serial killer that's been terrorizing the city attacks the woman. I love irony.

As Maxx is being driven to the station the cops complain about cleaning up his mess and how it must be great being nuts. Maxx has a habit of talking out loud and they tell him to shut up. He gets a headache and blacks out, waking up in the world called the Outback (aka Australia; aka Pangaea). How you can tell the difference is in the Outback he has a mane of gorgeous blond hair rivalling that of Zechs Marquise. Well, not quite. Creepy little white hands errupt from the ground and pull him under. The Outback isn't the Australia we know, it's more like a primordial land with volcanos, giant caveman, weird dinosaure-esque creatures, flying wales, my favoriet--the crabbits (which are exactly what they sound like, half crab, half rabbit) and the Izs. The Outback is ruled by the Jungle/Leopard Queen, who is always as scantilly clad as her real world counterpart and runs with a leopard. Maxx declares he can be a hero for her and rips free of the clinging arms (also ripping the arms from the bodies they belong to).

We flash to Julie Winters, who is a freelance social worker (does such a job truly exist?) She asks a homeless client the standard questions (like who's the president right now?) and he says she looks like a hooker. She classily throws him out of her apartment. She gets a creepy call after he leaves.

"I did it all for you, Julie. The pain. The sex. It was all for you."

She hangs up on him. Julie is a heroin with common sense. Gasp! The phone rings again and she calls the caller filth and turns out it's the cops on the phone, wanting her to pick up her old pal Maxx. She agrees and as she leaves mutters saracastically that if it weren't for the corruption and violence, the city wouldn't be any fun at all. As she walks through the rain to the police station she reflects on the fact that Maxx is always getting arrested for something different, and that he really seems to think he's a super hero. When she arrives Sargeant O'Conno tells her she should be careful, that women send out certain signals that attract men like Gone (the serial rapist and murderer going around the city) and that with the way she dresses isn't she worried about sending out the wrong kind of signals. Her response is to ring out her soaking wet hair all over his paperwork. I love Julie.

She tells Maxx it's getting harder to get him out of there and he claims it was his mask that did it. They leave, her promising to get him new clothes and hot bathe. As they walk off we see a radio playing and cloaked figure stomps on it, maliciously evil dark creatures giggling menacingly. God I love this show.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Terrible Tales of Horror: Any Way the Wind Blows, just how much can one girl plagerize Christopher Pike

Kella Coffield is my oldest character. I created her when I was ten years old. And, like all my best ideas, she came from a dream. In it I was Kella (Well, back then she was Kelly), one of a pair of twins that belonged to a much detested family who lived on Fear Street. They lived at 97 Fear Street, right next door to the famous 99. Next to her lived her friend Jimmy and on the other side of his house their friend Elsie. I don't remember what happened in the dream, but the characters were born and survive to this day in another version of the story called Summer Days Ain't Coming Back.

By the time a friend convinced me to put this insane tale to paper two years had passed since it's birth and it had grown to encompass elements of all my favorite stories and shows. So without furthur ado, I present my seventh-grade masterpeice, Any Way the Wind Blows.

Chapter One - A Falling Star

I was born June 13, 1967. [I was very into exact dates. I even came up with a little method on pinpointing what day of the week things happened and mentioning them repeatedly in my storeis] I was the third child, second daughter, to Peter Coffield and Suzin Hanson.

I was five minutes older than my twin sister--Laura. My mother named me Kelika. Kali Ma. The godess who embodies both creation and destruction. It was a Vedic name. Who I was.

I am not sure who will one day read this. I’m not sure why I’m even writing this down. But let me make one fact clear; I am not evil. There was a reason I did everything that I did. To you, I was probably just an irrational child. But let me assure you, I’m not. [Me thinks you sound a wee bit paranoid, Kell Bell.]

Life’s an ironic thing. It has ways of teaching you things like nothing else does. Each and every thing on the planet has one purpose or another. I had one too. I don’t think I was ever clear on what my destiny was, but I am not what I used to be, so maybe things have changed.

My story begins when I was a child. My brother, Michael, was simply adorable. Everybody loved him. He had wavy black hair and dark green eyes. He was born on July 22, 1964 [My birthday, though 20 years earlier.]. He was sweet and everyone loved him. Michael was very protective of his little sisters, all four of us.

My sister Jennifer was born a year and a half after Michael. On Febuary 15, 1966. Jennifer was extremely smart and preferred to be called Jennifer rather than Jenny. But I always called her Jen-Jen.

Jen-Jen had long whispy black hair and sapphire blue eyes that were hardly found in anyone other than toddlers. She was a very mature woman and didn’t have much fun in her childhood.

My younger sister, Megan, was born on August 2, 1969. She was two years younger than me, and the most annoying little sister a girl could have. Megan made me sick half the time. Instead of having black hair like the rest of us, she had golden blond curls. Along with Jen-Jen’s blue eyes. She was like a breath of fresh hair, most people would say. Especially for the Coffield family. [Was it her “breath of fresh hair” personality that nauseated you?]

Then there was me and Laura. The Coffield twins. We were both positively gorgeous [No modesty here. And for the record, in my head Kelly's always looked like Mila Kunis. When I first saw Gia back in '97 and saw Mila Kunis I was like "Holy shit! It's Kelly!"]. With our long wavey black hair, and our demonic green eyes. But we were the rarest of twins. For Laura was ¾ human and ½. . . . Something. But it was the opposite for me. I was ¼ human, and ¾ something. [Now it gets weird. Had you fooled in the beginning, didn’t it?]

Laura was the good twin. She got good grades, good boyfriends, and she had a good attitude. I, on the other hand, was the screw-up. I never did what I was told. I never took orders from anyone. In fact, I acted like a total bitch most of my life. I think it’s funny. But maybe it’s not so funny.

My story starts when I was four years old. When my parents got divorced and Daddy left.

It was about one “o” clock in the morning and my parents were fighting. Even though they were poor, and had us when they were teenagers, they were good parents. They never fought in front of us. They never even seamed to have anything bad going on between them. But I knew better. I knew them. I could sense when something was wrong. It was sort of a gift I had. Knowing when things were wrong. Usually what’s wrong. Knowing when people were lying to me. Most people wished that they had my gift. But I wished I didn’t, throughout my life, it just caused me nothing but pain and agony.

My parents were yelling at each other very loudly. I wondered why the other’s didn’t wake up.

“Suzin,” my father yelled at my mother. “What the hell are we gonna do with her. It’s one thing having a wife for a murderer. It’s another thing having a daughter for a murderer.” [So Suzin’s a confessed killer. Wonder which daughter they’re talking about…]

“Look, Peter,” my mother said calmly and rationally, like always. “If you don’t like the way things are, you are a 23 year old adult. You can take care of yourself.” [Ye Gods, 23 with five kids. Probably a good thing he left before they could spout out more of these Coffield hellions.]

“What are you getting at, Suzi?”

Then my mother went off. She grabbed his neck and screamed, “Don’t ever call me Suzi!” Her fingernails were digging into his neck and then a drop of blood appeared. Mother seemed fixated in a trance. Frankly, I thought she was going nuts. [Me too.]

I know when most kids caught their mother trying to kill their daddy, that they would get scared. But not me. I was almost as fixated as my mother. I knew that my mother couldn’t kill him. She loved him too much. That’s why she tried to not fall in love. She was never able to kill those she loved. And that would once again after this incident come back to haunt her.

Suddenly, my mother stopped, and she left go. They were in the big living room, with me in the hall. This is how our house was set up.

[I'll get this picure up later, my scanner's not set up.]

“Get out, before I changed my mind,” my mother spoke restraining her temper.

“Alright,” he was quickly getting out of there before Mother killed him. I didn’t blame him.

But before he stepped into the hallway I stepped in front of him.

“Daddy, where are you going?”

He nealed down in front of me. “Daddy’s got to go away for a while, Kelly. There are certain things you’ve got to understand.” [She’s four.]

“Go back to bed, Kelly,” I heard my mother call to me.

“Goodbye Kelly,” my daddy kissed me on the cheek and walked out the front door. I never saw him again.

I walked into the living room and sat next to me mother. She was squeezing her temples with her eyes closed, and she obviously didn’t know I was there.

“Mother,” I said touching her shoulder. It was when she looked up I saw she was crying. “What’s wrong?” I said.

She just looked at me as if I were crazy. “You know, Kelika. You always know.” She got up and walked towards the kitchen, but then she turned around and looked back at me. “Go back to bed.” And I did what I was told for once of the few times in my life. But only because she used my real name.

Kelika, I never really hated the name, I just liked being called Kelly.

Nothing much happened in my later life. [If that were the case, this story would be much shorter.] I went into school the next year. And I was a straight A student.

Then my life took a turn when I was seven. Mother told me to meet my Aunt Laurella. She was who Laura was named after.

Aunt Laurella was born on May 15, 1882. The woman was 92 years old. But she didn’t look a day over 25. [People would kill for her secret.] It was October of 1974.

Aunt Laurella had just gotten off the tran. I knew she could not see me, but she knew I was there. And she walked right to me.

“Hello, Kelika,” she said when she reached me. She was a gorgeous as a model. Her hair was long, almost down to her ass. And it was black. It was not died though, it was completely natural. She was tall, at five ten. She had a wiry lithe figure. And she was wearing an old fashioned black dress that most people wore when she was a kid. [How does she know all this?]

“Aunt Laurella, how did you know it was me?” The question seemed to amuse her for a moment, then it frightened her. [Laurella’s bipolar.] Almost as if she knew me. Many people who knew me were afraid of me, even though at that point I hadn’t hurt a thing in my life. Most people knew what I was even before I knew. I think now that that was the only thing that frightened me in life. People getting to knew me. Because I wasn’t like other people. I didn’t even know myself. Because I was a walking time bomb. And God only knew when I would go off. [She does like to ramble.]

“Silly girl,” Aunt Laurella said, the smile returning onto her narrow pale face. She reached into her handbag and too out a ring case.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s for you,” she handed it slowly over to me and took off her sunglasses. It was then that I saw her eyes. They were almost as dark as mine. “Here, take it.”

I reluctantly took it from her and opened it. It was a plain silver band. [Ahhh! What happened to the ring that was the self eating serpent with the emerald eye? It must’ve been in an earlier version. Or maybe a later. Damn that ring was so much cooler.] An odd gift, I thought.

“It’s from Mars,” Aunt Laurella told me excitedly. “It’s a part of you.” [And Laurella’s been smoking some weed.]

“What do you mean?”

“there’s more to it than what meats the eye.” She smiled. An evil smile. A smile that sent shivers down my spin. I just stared at her. Waiting. Waiting for what? Perhaps what happened next. I’m still not sure.

As I stared at Aunt Laurella’s evil smile, something happened at that moment to change me forever. The smile seemed to start to crawl all the way up her face till it reached her eyes. It wanted to eat her eyes. Then slowly, everything except Aunt Laurella, turned black. And all I could see was that smile. That stupid smile. Her eyes started to dissolve. And soon her whole face. Till there was nothing left except that smile. That smile I hated so. The smile that sure as hell didn’t belong to her.

Then I saw who--or should I say what--that smile belonged to. It was an ugly green demonic reptile. He was scaly and smelly--yes, I could actually smell it. It was so nauseating, I thought I would die. So I closed my eyes and screamed. And screamed. And screamed. [Well so far she seems a smidgent smarter than Gracie and Dawn. Screaming is an appropriate response.]

When I finally opened my eyes, I automatically stopped screaming. Everything was back to normal. With Aunt Laurella shaking me.

“Kelly, are you all right?” I pushed her off me.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” I turned and started funning. Running faster than I had ever run in my life.

“Kelika!” I heard my aunt call and I stopped. She quickly caught up to me. [Pretty quick for a 92-year-old woman.] “You forgot the ring.” I quickly realized that during my hallucination I had dropped the ring case.

“Why are you giving me that ring?” I asked. [More importantly, how did you get ahold of a ring from Mars? Or, why do you look so young?]

“Because it’s a part of who you are. It will help you.”

“With what?”

“Your powers.” My powers? How did she know about them? I had never told anybody. “Just remember this.”

“What?” I whispered.

She leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Any way the wind blows, life is like a black rose.” She rose and left. The next time I saw her was ten years into the future.

I took the ring out of the case and put it upon my thumb on my left hand.

I stared up at the sky and was surprised to find that it had grown dark. How long had I been out there? Then I took a look at my surroundings. How did I get this far? I was at the hanging tree. [Yes, because the very backwards town of Shadyside had a history of hanging witches in the nineteenth century. Including Laurella’s twin sister. Why do I remember this crap?] Three miles from my house. How could I have possibly gotten this far?

It was then I heard it. It. “Hello, Kelly,” It said to me from inside my head.

I squeezed my temples and said, “Who are you? What are you doing in my head?”

It just laughed. It had a deep baritone voice. “I’m here for a reason, Kelly.”

“And what’s that?”

“To help you. To show you?” [Apparently he’s unsure.] The to show you part struck me as insane. [That’s the only part?]

“To show me what?”


I had been walking towards my house all that time, and I finally reached the lake. The lake was just down the street from me. God I had walked fast.

I walked over to the crystal clear blue water to see my reflection. I was so pretty. [And so narcissistic.] But I didn’t see my face. I saw the ugly reptile instead. It was sort of like that story about that girl who was really vain and selfish, so one day she looked at herself in the mirror and she saw a really ugly girl. [So she recognizes the fact that she’s extremely vain.]

But this was different, I wasn’t that ugly thing. I was simply there, hearing, listening to the ugly thing.

It was at that moment something made me look at the sky. Some people say when you see a falling star, you’re supposed to wish upon it. And if you don’t tell anybody what you wished for it would come true.

But not for me.

Because in the instante I saw that falling star something clicked.

I was that falling star.

Because in my brief, but unbelievable life, I hardly learned anything. Life is a precious gift. And you should live it to it’s fullest.

I truly was that falling star. My life had highpoints, and it had low points. But that’s life. [How melodramatic can you get?]

What is the green reptile? What powers does Kelly have? What kind of anti-aging treatment does Laurella use? Who did Kelly kill? What the hell is going on in this story. Find out next time...maybe...

Friday, October 9, 2009


I read way too much when I was a kid. Obviously. And one trend I noticed in some of the books I read was a nifty plot device in which the main character finds something hidden in a bookcase. When I was eleven I decided to tackle the bookcase in the front hall. If there was something to be discovered by God I was going to find it! It could be some old love letter hidden between the pages of an old book, something perhaps my father had tucked away before he died. My mind was brimming with the possibilities. It took me a couple hours to empty it out entirely and flip through every book. But I actually did find something hidden behind the books on the back of a shelf. Something everyone in my house claimed to know nothing about. A single sheet that was typed up on a typewriter full of insulting horoscopes. But being as into astrology as I was back then, I was far from disappointed. They still amuse me.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for to little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfar and aren't worth shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Otheres think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are logical and hate disorder. This shitpicking is disgusting to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. You often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon is a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Fear Street: The Surprise Party

Meg: I'm the super annoying heroine who loves nature, bikeriding, and my boyfriend Tony. Oh, yeah, I love when people are trying to kill me too. That's a real turn-on for me. I'm so lucky I live in Shadyside!

Tony: My life sucks. I'm poor, my dad's an alcoholic, and my best friend died last year. But I had nothing to do with it. I swear.

Shannon: Shut up. I'm gorgeous.

Lisa: Hey guys! You'll never guess what I just heard. Ellen's coming to visit! Nevermind the fact that I hardly knew her, but I'm super excited!

Meg: Let's throw her a party! A surprise party.



Meg: Look at the cool invitations I got for the party.

Shannon: I don't think we should have a party.

Meg: But why?

Shannon: Oh, I don't know. My brother's dead and her parents decided to move her out of town. It just seems fishy somehow.

Meg: But why? Oh no! Someone cut up my invitations! Now I'm definitely going to have this party no matter what!


Tony: I've been getting threatening phone calls. I don't think you should have the party.

Meg: But being in danger gets me all hot.

Tony: You're a freak! I'm breaking up with you!

Meg: Surprisingly I'm really not that upset considering we've been together two years.


Dwayne: Hey Shannon, wanna get freaky with me.

Shannon: Eww.

Dwayne: She will be mine one day. I swear it.


Meg: (Calls Ellen) Hi Ellen.

Ellen: Hi Meg. Long time no see. Sooo....

Meg: Sooo....

Ellen: You and Tony still together?

Meg: Um...yeah?

Ellen: Lucky you. Bye.


Meg: (gets red paint put in her lunchbag. It looks like BLOOOOOOD) I'm still having this party.

Meg: (almost gets run over) I am sooooooo having this party.


Shannon: My cousin Mike who looks just like Evan is coming to visit in time for the party.

Meg: How convenient!


Brian: I'm Meg's weird cousin and I like to play Dungeons and Drag--I mean, Wizards and Dragons in the Fear Street woods. And one day I'm going to be a fourth level wizard and rule the world! Mwahahahah!

Tony: Sounds like a plan. I'll join you.

Brian: (shifty eyes)


Tony's Drunk Dad: Tony's missing. He went with Brian to play that weird game.

Meg: Oh no! I must go after them!


Evil Voice: Don't have the party for Ellen. (Pushes Meg down a ravine)

Meg: Oh I'm going to have this party, Mr. The best party you've ever seen.

Tony: Meg, you shouldn't have the party.

Meg's Dad: Get's your greasy hands off my daughter.


Dwayne: I'm so glad Evan's dead. Now he won't stand between mine and Shannon's true love.

Tony: DUDE! Not cool. Evan was my best friend!

Dwayne: Pussy.


Meg: You look like shit.

Brian: I'm a wizard. And I'm going to bring Evan back from the otherside.

Meg: Eh, this is Shadyside. Anything is possible I guess. But I think I'll be leaving.


Meg: Hey Ellen.

Ellen: Hey.

Shannon: So...

Meg: Remember that game we used to play, Eeek a Mouse!

Ellen: Yeah....

Shannon: This isn't awkward at all.


Meg: I talked to Brian.

Tony: You did. Let's go talk about it alone at the cliff. Where I can kill you without being seen.

Meg: What was that?

Tony: I mean, let me hold you until I smother you, or shoot you. Or...just forget it and come to the cliff with me.

Meg: Okey-Dokey!


Everyone: SURPRISE!!!!

Ellen: Oh dear God no.

Brian: I've become a fourth level wizard and with my newly acquired power I've brought Evan back from the dead.

Mike: Yo. I'm Evan.

Tony: You're not Evan! He's dead! I killed him.


Everyone: (STARES)

Tony: Oh shit.

(Everything goes dark. Tony gets shot. And Ellen and Meg are taken hostage by Dwayne)

Meg: Why did you take us hostage?

Dwayne: Because I killed Evan.

Meg: That makes zero sense whatsoever. What really happened that day?

Ellen: Tony and I were screwing around behind yours and Evan's backs. Sorry. Evan found out and went off into the woods with a hunting rifle. Me and Tony went after him. They fought for the gun. It went off. Evan died. Brian saw it happen too. Tony made us swear to never tell anyone.

Dwayne: Mwahahahahahah! Evan wasn't dead. He just hit his head. So I went and took the gun and shot him.

Ellen: You bastard!

Meg: But why?

Dwayne: Because I want to have sex with his hot leggy redheaded sister.

Meg: That's your motive? Seriously? You couldn't just rape her like all the other psychos out there like you.

Dwayne: There's no rape in Shadyside. Only murder.

Ellen: You suck as a villain.

Meg: Now we have to get out of this mess. Hey, Ellen, remember that game, Eek a Mouse.

Ellen: What does that have to do with our current hostage situation?

Meg: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dwayne: Stop it. You're scaring me.

Ellen: Oh, I get it. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeek! Eeeeeek Eeeeek!!

Dwayne: Ahhhhhh! (Gets hit in head with frying pan. Cops come and take him away).


Tony: (Gets dragged off to mental instution) I killed my best friend.

Mike: Hey, you're pretty cute.

Meg: (Smiles as ex-boyfriend gets dragged away) So are you.

Shannon: My brother's still dead.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fear Street Family Trees

Way back when I was in sixth grade, before the Fear Street Saga Collector's Edition came out, I was unsatisified with the 100-year-break in the tree. I wanted to see the family members that wen there. So I in my infinite wisdom decided to just make my own damn tree.

Notice ole Jonathan, son of Ezra, had three daughters named Fiona, Velvet, and Paige. Wonder where the idea for that story came from... Hmm....

But I wasn't done yet. I was also pissed that we never ever got to see the Goode Family Tree, when the Goode's are just as much a part of the Fear Street Legacy as the Fears.

Notice Stanly and Lucy Goode were born after their parents deaths. I call shenanigans!

Coming soon: My Fear Street fanfiction gone horribly horribly wrong, Any Way the Wind Blows.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Feaar Street: The New Girl, or, Dead Cats in Lockers ar A-OK and You Should Never Report them to the Authorities

Fear Street was such a huge staple of my childhood and reading through my crappy old novels has sparked the desire to reread one of my most beloved book series. And maybe fulfill my lifelong dream of creating a Fear Street Timeline. Woohoo!

I don't plan on recapping all of them, just a choice few and maybe throw in some Bratz Doll Theatre for the really good ones. But I did do a summery of The New Girl about a year and a half ago before I stumbled upon any Fear Street blogs so I'll start with that.

Ah, Fear Street. This brings back memories. Now these are the books that made me want to be a writer. I lived and breathed Fear Street for two years. These books were about ghost stories and murder, exactly what every ten year girl can’t get enough of, right? Well this one couldn’t at any rate. But more than that what really hooked me on these books was the story of the Fear family. How this evil followed them for over two hundred years, and went on to consume the street the Fears lived on, Fear Street, and anyone who dared to tread.

The first one I ever read was Cheerleaders: The Third Evil. That book not only got me hooked on the series, but on reading in general, and most of all, the important murder device of pushing people off of cliffs that appeared in nearly every one of my earliest stories. t would seem appropriate to start with that one as it remains my favorite to this day, but I will start instead with the very first Fear Street book ever published, The New Girl.

Notice how R.L. Stine’s name isn’t taking up half the cover. Second edition, baby.

I’ve never particularly liked this book but this has always been my favorite cover. The reason: because it’s the only one where you get a glimpse of what Fear Street actually looks like, filled with dilapidated old Victorian houses.

The book opens with a little passage about Fear Street.

Are you sure you want to turn down Fear Street?

The most horrifying things seem to happen to those who live on Fear Street.

The town of Shadyside is nice enough. And the students at Shadyside High seem to be an average group of kids.

So why does everyone tell such stories about Fear Street…?

About unspeakable terrors, troubled cries in the night, twisted nightmares…

About people who venture into the Fear Street woods and are never seen again…

About strange cries late at night from the old Simon Fear mansion--a house that’s been deserted for fifty years…

About lost teenagers, mysterious fires, brutal crimes, unsolved mysteries…

About normal people--people just like you--who turn down Fear Street…and are never quite normal again!

Go ahead. Take a walk down Fear Street. Those stories couldn’t be true. No way. There couldn’t be that much terror awaiting you in one narrow, old street--could there?

Our book opens with a someone thinking over how easy it was to kill her sister Anna. Sure, she expected to feel guilty, but she never expected it to be so easy. A real psychopath, this one. Anyway, the prologue ends with her screaming “Anna’s dead, Mom!” Oh noes!

Then our book really begins. With our main character, Cory Brooks. Cory’s a gymnast and he’s testing his skills in the cafeteria by standing on one hand and balancing his lunch tray in the other. Why didn’t people do this when I was in high school? He catches glimpse of this absolutely gorgeous girl on the other side of the caf and literally falls for her (corny but begged to be done), losing his balance and collapsing on the floor, causing the tray of spaghetti to come crashing down on his head. His friends who are also on the gymnastics team, Arnie and David, laugh and make fun of him. He leaves the lunchroom covered in spaghetti and runs into his old friend and token girl-next-door, Lisa Blume. They both live in North Hills, the ritzier side of town. Fear Street is for white trash, by the way. She makes fun of him and gives him one of her extra shirts to wear and he washes his hair in the water fountain. It becomes quite evident to the reader that Lisa wants more than friendship from him. While in the hall he sees his mystery babe again, but she disappears inside a classroom.

Cory looks for her for three days with no luck. And he sucks when he goes to gymnastics practice. He keeps having semi-erotic dreams about her. Okay, maybe semi-erotic is a but of a stretch. He and Lisa walk home together, his thoughts on the pretty blond, and Lisa leans against him trying to get the courage to ask him out. And at the same time she asks him what he’s doing that weekend and he asks her if she’s seen the pretty new girl. Lisa drops about a thousand hints that she likes him and he asks her again if she’s seen the pretty new girl. Lisa knows her as Anna Corwin, and she’s very annoyed that Cory seems to like her.

Cory’s all excited and about to piss himself because Anna’s a real person and not a figment of his warped imagination and pesters Lisa about her. Lisa knows nothing but that she transferred from Melrose and moved onto Fear Street. Cory thinks Fear Street is creepy and there are a bunch of little tales about why Cory would think such a thing. When they get to their houses Lisa tries once again to ask him out but he cuts her off and goes into his house dreaming about the audacious Anna.

Cory calls information and gets Anna’s phone number and address. He even talks to a real person! Even when I was ten information was completely automated! Cory debates whether or not he should call her for over a page and finally decides to do so. The person who answers tells him there’s no Anna there and hangs up.

The next day at school Cory finally runs into Anna herself and makes conversation with her. He tells her she’s new and that she lives on Fear Street and says he called her house but they said there’s no Anna there. Stalker! She quickly runs into the classroom. Even if she wasn’t a crazy psycho I think she’d do the same thing.

They have a gymnast meet against Mattawan. Anna comes to watch and Cory screws up royally. He spends Saturday night obsessing about Anna. He goes over to Lisa’s and wants to talk to her about Anna. Lisa calls him a creep and tells him to go home. Cory calls Anna’s house again and gets a woman. He asks for Anna and she gets terse. In the background he hears a girl screaming “It’s for me!” and the woman tells him to just leave them alone. How he torments this poor family.

Cory’s creeped out, finding it all too mysterious, and decides to pay Anna a little visit at her house on Fear Street. While he’s driving over there he listens to the radio, where they’re playing a 24-hour marathon of Beatles music in alphabetical order. WTF?

He pulls up to foggy Fear Street thinking about a childhood trauma in the Fear Street woods and make himself go up to Anna’s house. A man comes up behind him, making him piss his pants (not literally) and asks if he needs any help. Cory says he was looking for the Corwins and the weirdo tells him they’re strange people. I think he’s a peeping tom. They’ve only been living there for a couple weeks.

He gets away from the creepy old man and knocks on the door. A young man answers, and when he asks for Anna the man tells him angrily that Anna’s dead.

Cory’s a little uneased by the whole thing (understandable) and spends Monday looking for Anna. He asks Lisa if she’s seen her and Lisa tells her she’s absent today and asks what his problem is. He pulls her aside and tells her the strange tale of going to her house. The have an almost-argument and he gets the idea of pulling her file in the office where he works after school on Mondays. His job is to use the ditto machine. What the hell is a ditto machine??? Is it a copier? Is that what they called them back in 1989? He got the brilliant idea of looking through the student records for Anna’s. While digging through them he nearly gets caught and dives under the desk just in time. He goes back to the files, and find there are no Corwins.

Cory goes to the school basketball game with his friends and spends the whole evening thinking about creepy ghosty Anna. He winds up telling them about Anna not having a file. His friend David brilliantly suggests that her file might not have been sent from her old school yet. He goes home and is awakened in the middle of the night by a mysterious phone call telling him to stay away from Anna. She’s dead and he’ll be dead next. Oh noes!

Cory tries to go back to sleep but is interrupted by yet another phone call. It’s Anna! Goody for Cory. She says she needs him to help her and asks him to come. She’ll meet him just past her house. He steals his dad’s car and goes, thinking about more chilling tales of Fear Street lore, and parks on the street. Anna climbs into his car, making his shit his pants (well, maybe). He asks what’s wrong? Can he help her? He can’t stop thinking about her. She says she’s been thinking about him, too. He finally comes down to it and tells her he needs to know if she’s even real. She says she’s real, and kisses him to prove it. She kisses him really hard and needy like. Eventually she goes to leave. He asks her why she called him and she tells him it was to see if he would come.

Cory continues to question her about the guy that keeps saying she’s dead. She tells him it’s her brother Brad. He’s not only crazy, he’s dangerous! Oooooh! She runs out of the car before Cory can force anything else out of her.

He wakes up late the next morning, which is the day he has a gymnastics meet. He thinks about what happened last night after Anna left. He’d run after her and the creepy old man’s dog attacked him. His name is Voltaire, by the way. The dog. Awesome name. He does horribly at the meet. Lisa goes to comfort him and tells him all about the previous night when she went over her cousin’s. Her cousin had a friend over who was from Melrose (coincidently where Anna’s from! Oh me oh my where is this going!). She tells him Anna had been in this girls class, but that she had died. There were all kinds of rumors. She’d fallen down the basement steps and died instantly. Cory won’t believe it so Lisa tells him to ditch the rest of the meet and go with her to the library and they’d investigate it. They find it on microfilm. A blurry picture of Anna with the caption , Melrose Sophomore dies in accident.

That night Cory has disturbing nightmares about Anna. The phone rings waking him up. It’s Anna, she wants him to meet her in front of the burnt out old shell of Simon Fear’s mansion.

He follows her call and waits in his car in front of the mansion, thinking all kinds of creepy paranoid things. Cory finally goes to the house where he encounters the evil Brad. Brad grabs him by the coat screaming that Anna is dead and to leave him alone. He lets Cory go after scaring the crap out of him.

He acts like a zombie in school and Lisa tries to cheer him up. She reminds him about the dance on Saturday and asks if he would want to go with her. Lisa’s not too bright. She knows he’s completely hung up on Anna and still wants to date him. He tells her he’ll go and then Anna comes up to them and Lisa introduces herself. They talk for a minute and Lisa bounces off to class. Anna reminds Cory about Friday in the Car and tells him he’s hers. She runs off.

That afternoon Cory goes with Lisa to her locker, but there’s blood everywhere! Somebody had killed a cat, slitting open it’s stomach in her locker. Ew. Oh, and attached to the cat is an endearing note claiming she’s dead, too. And instead of, you know, REPORTING this to anyone, they clean it out themselves, Lisa suggesting Anna did it because she’s jealous about the dance. You know, if anyone had found a dead cat in their locker at my high school, there probably would’ve been a lockdown and some serious questioning. I know this was published back in 1989, but STILL!!!

Cory catches up with Anna afterwards and tells her what happened. Judging from her reaction he’s sure she didn’t do it. He then confronts her about her creepy brother Brad. She gets all hysterical and he tries to calm her down by kissing her. She shoves him away and tells her to stay away, her brother’s there.

After school his parents make a big to-do about Cory’s date with Lisa and he feels weird. His parents leave to go to Lisa’s to play her parents. He’s trying to do homework when his friend David calls him and tries to get him to talk about him and Anna. Cory gets mad and they hang up on each other. Cory goes over to the Blume’s to see how Lisa’s doing (I’m guessing she didn’t tell her parents about the cat). He notices her laugh is sexy and then tells her about Anna and reads the paper (why does she like him again?). She then gets a threatening call telling her she’s dead, too.

They go to the dance together and Lisa keeps insisting that it was Anna that made the call and put the cat in the locker. Lisa tells him Anna’s a good actress and has him fooled. Give the girl a prize! They get in an argument about it and Lisa storms off. Minutes later Cory hears her scream. Cory finds her at the bottom of a flight of stairs. She was pushed! Oh noes! From her description of her assailant Cory figures out it was Brad. They search the building and get locked in a classroom. Cory uses his super spiderman skills to climb out the window onto the roof and shimmy down a tree then goes back to unlock the door for Lisa.

Cory goes to Anna’s to confront Brad. No one’s there but the creepy neighbor.

Cory waits for Anna by her locker at school. He makes her go get pizza with him and tell him EVERYTHING! Oooh! Anna’s father ditched them, her mother’s not well. Brad had a girlfriend, Emily, who died in a plane crash, and he never got over her death. The drama! She tells him about her older sister Willa who was the true beauty of the family. Brad started confusing Willa for Emily and saying she was dead. Then Willa died. She fell down the basement stairs. They moved, hoping to snap Brad out of his stupor but it didn’t help. Now he’s getting overly protective of Anna and saying she’s dead.

Brad appears at the pizza place and Anna takes off, terrified.

Later Cory calls Anna and Brad picks up telling him again that Anna’s dead. Cory goes to Anna’s. He goes into the house. Anna’s screaming that Cory’s come to see her. Brad tells him to get out of there. Cory and Brad get into a fight and Cory finally renders Brad unconscious. Cory wants to call the police (Cory’s thinking! Go Cory!) but Anna just wants to celebrate. She gets a dagger and says it’ll take care of Brad. He tries to stop her but she won’t let him. He holds her back. Brad comes to and Cory warns him to stay away. Brad tells him he tried to warn him, that he wanted to keep Cory safe from her.

Brad tells him the Whole Story. She’s really Willa and Anna was her older sister. She pushed Anna down the stairs. Because their mother is ill and couldn’t handle losing both her daughters Brad didn’t pursue it, he thought she would get better once they moved. But found out she was dressing like Anna and calling herself Anna at school once Cory came around. And she’s been making all the threats to his friend. That he did push Lisa at the school but it was a mistake, he thought she was Anna. He tells Cory to call the police.

Cory tells Lisa the whole story and tells her she should pick his girlfriends for him. She says maybe she should and kisses him. The End. I wonder what happened to Willa.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Before I delve into another novel length piece of crap like The Enemy Within, I bring to you another interesting tidbit from my childhood.

My best friend was a girl named Amanda who remains my best friend to this day. We met in third grade and befriended each other in fourth. We were both outcasts, quiet, loners, and we both LOVED to write stories. Of course we were drawn to each other. Now we tried to coauthor books a couple of times but it just didn’t work out on pen and paper. Instead, we had roleplays. Roleplays that became long, over the top, drawn out soap operas.

It began with Sweet Valley, on a dark stormy winters night Amanda and I sat in my mother’s room playing the SVH board game and we began to make the piece talk to each other. It turned into a storyline. A continuing storyline. Eventually we added more characters and places and the whole thing sort of snowballed out of control. More on this later.

The second was Daycare, predecessor to Any Way the Wind Blows, in which Amanda played Kimmy and I played my Ultimate Mary Sue, Kella Coffield. There they drove Mrs. Cranberry insane, framed innocent men for molestation, dabbled in the dark arts, and played that wonderful children’s game, Dry Dry Wet. But today I am going to focus on Montrose.

Montrose was the third and last of our roleplays. In it we took the major characters from Melrose Place, turned them into children, changed their personalities, and made them all live in the same apartment complex! Make sense? No?

Now unfortunately the stories involving our roleplays were never written down except for some of Sweet Valley, but I do have my folder full of notes and other strange articles and my meticulous memory.
Characters as I remember them:

Kimberly Shaw: The wild child who was always getting into trouble. She was very vocal and demanding. She hung out with Michael and Jake. As she got older she had huge breasts. She tried to fake her death to escape from some crazy guy by jumping off a cliff with a bungee cord attached to her (Yeah, I REALLY liked Fall Into Darkness). She ended up in a box for six months before making her way back to Montrose super skinny. (Suspension of disbelief, folks!) She and Michael eventually had a daughter named Roxana.

Michael Mancini: A whiny, shy boy. I believe he was a bit of a mama’s boy. He was latched to Kimberly’s side. Jake was his best friend. He loved to torture Jane because she was in love with him. He had a way with women as he got older. In high school he got in trouble and was sent to live with his dad in the city. There he joined a gang and killed a couple of people, shedding his crybaby skin. He came back and swept Kimberly off her feet, but that didn’t stop him from cheating on her with Jo and knocking her up.

Jake Hanson: Jake lived in the worst part of town and his brother was an asshole. He was always in love with Jo and they got together when they got older. Don’t remember too much about him except when Michael came back from Chicago Jake followed his tough guy attitude. He never knew Jo’s baby was actually Michael’s.

Dean Morton: One of the few original characters to this series. Dean was rich and cool and best known for being bi. People teased him by calling him Mr. Morton, and singing Mr. Morton is the subject of my sentence, what the predicate says, he does. Eventually he married Sydney. He was also related somehow to Bruce Patman in our SV roleplay and there was some sort of crossover storyline that I can't remember much of.

Jo Reynolds: Pretty much Kimberly’s arch-rival. She was very aggressive and wanted to be the leader of their group as much as Kimberly did. Eventually the two formed an alliance. She married Jake but cheated on him with Michael.

Sydney Andrews: Jane’s younger sister who always had a thing for Dean. She was discovered as a model and lived in Paris for a few years. When she came back she had problems with money and worked at a strip club (she was like fifteen so it must’ve been a pretty seedy strip club). Dean discovered her there and took her into his arms and said she didn’t have to do it anymore and paid all her bills. Kind of pretty woman-ish.

Jane Andrews: A pathetic little girl who was hopelessly in love with Michael. She was Sydney’s older sister. She didn’t have much of a part. The first six I listed were pretty much the main characters.
Billy Campbell and Alison Parker: Everybody made fun of Billy. He grew up to marry Alison, who always loved him. He liked to write and was on his laptop all the time. Alison grew jealous and eventually gave him an ultimatum, her or the laptop. And Billy of course chose…the laptop? In a jealous rage when Billy was asleep Alison drew a face on the computer screen with lipstick and stuck a condom on the cord and left Billy. Yeah….
Billie Camp-bell: Pretty much the female version of Billy. She was only around in the daycare period. Don’t remember much about her.

Amanda Woodward: I know she was there but we didn’t do much with her. She grew up to marry Peter Burns.

Matt Fielding: The resident gay guy. He had a relationship with a guy named Marty. He ended up marrying Suzi, daughter of a maid in his parent’s house, out of convenience.

Suzi: Resident lesbian. She married Matt. She thought Sydney was hot.

Of course they started out in daycare and grew up and went to high school. I have a class list of the daycare placements.

Group 1: Billie C, Billy C, Alison P, Jane A.
Group 2: Jo R, Jake H, Suzi S, Matt F.

Group 3: The three-year-olds
Group 4: Dean M, Sydney A, Amanda W, Michael M, Kimberly S.

Now when they were in the fifth grade age group a new girl moved to town named Quinn Elsworth. Because that’s what you always do when you’re story’s getting a little stagnant, introduce a new character! Quinn wasn’t only just shiny and new, but she was pretty and smart, and not afraid to get into trouble. So of course all the guys liked her, especially Dean and Jake, much to Jo and Sydney’s chagrin.

Quinn, Jake and Dean were put into a special class in which they had to write and act out a play. Quinn had a beef with the teacher and was more than happy to write it. So under the guise of Quinn Elsworth, I penned the intriguing play of scandal and eroticism, Eight Sick Children Starring: Quinn Elsworth as Quinn Pauline Duncan as Pauline Ginger Garvin as Meryl Barbara Newton as Sela Dennis Morton as Wolfie Joey Hanson as Theo Melvin Warner as Rex Ross Sherlock as Jed

[I have no idea why Dean and Jake are credited as Dennis and Joey. Maybe I was planning to add this to my writing portfolio and feared copyright infringement??? Not likely…]

Scene 1

Meryl: What are you going to do Sela
Sela: I’m going to kiss him Meryl
Meryl: Where?
Sela: All over
Meryl: Why?
Sela: Because I want to sex him up.
Meryl: That’s great. After that will you sex me up
Sela: Maybe

[Story so far: Sela’s a whore and it turns Meryl on, but Sela’s not so sure she’s into chicks.]
Scene 2

Jed: I need to be sexed up.
Rex: Why Jed?
Jed: Because I’m a lesbian Rex.
Rex: But you’re a guy Jed.
Jed: So I had a sex change Rex.
(Rex runs off into the night screaming)
Jed: What?
(Sela walks up.)
Sela: Hello sex kitten.
Jed: Hi Sela.
Sela: Wait a second. I have to do something.
Jed: What do you have to do Sela?
Sela: I have to scratch my balls.
Jed: Can I do it for you?
Sela: Sure.
(He scratches her balls.)

[Recap: Sela’s a he and Jed’s a she and Rex is by far the most normal person in this play.]

Scene 3
(Rex runs into Wolfie and Theo).
Wolfie: Watch where you’re go9nig ass hole.
Theo: Yeah.
Rex: Wolfie, Theo, please don’t hurt me.
(They beat Rex up)

[Recap: Theo and Wolfie are douche bags and Rex has no balls.]
Scene 4

Quinn: Pauline, you are such a bitch.
Pauline: You are too Quinn.
Quinn: You’re going to wish you never had said that--

And that’s where the play broke off and Quinn went off on a long winded spiel of how the teacher was making them do nasty things to each other and that he actually wrote the play and he ended up getting fired. Quinn had serious psychotic issues.

Amanda and I wrote a compatibility test for this series and each character took it. Some of my friends at school also ended up taking it. No boys, though, so I couldn’t really tell them who they were actually “compatible” with.

1. If you were stuck in an elevator for three hours, who would it be with?
A. Fabio

B. Pee Wee Herman

C. Shenade O’Conner

D. Genevieve Morton
[Dean’s MILF mom]
E. Other__________

[Because these are the types of hard hitting questions that truly determine a good relationship.]

2. Out of these, what is your favorite.
A. Pease

B. Carrots
C. Chocolate

D. Vanilla

3. Who’s your favorite actor out of these?

A. Jim Carrey
B. Brad Pitt

C. Tom Cruise
D. Leonardo DiCaprio

Who’s your favorite actress out of these?
A. Pamela Lee

B. Madonna

C. Demi Moore

D. Roseanne

5. Which of these is the date of your desire?
A. Going to the beach

B. Going to the movies

C. Going to dinner

6. Which is your favorite position in sex?

A. Top

B. Bottom

[Doggie Style]

[I think I’ll stop now…]

7. Which type of sex do you prefer?

A. Kinky
B. Normal

8. Do you prefer pudding or jello?

A. Pudding

B. Jello

9. Are you a boy or a girl?

A. Boy
B. Girl

10. What do you think are Bert and Ernie truly?

A. Gay

B. Ernie rapes Bert every night. That’s why he’s always pissed off.

11. Do you prefer sex to watching TV?

A. Yes.

B. No.

12. What are you?

A. Gay

B. Straight

[What? No bi option? And here I was trying to be politically correct. Or maybe I just didn’t realize people could be both yet…]

13. Are you a fruit?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Other

[?????? The only thing I can guess is this was some sort of inside joke. Maybe?] 14.

What is funnier?

A. Milk

B. Cheese

15. What is smarter?

A. Geek
B. Nerd

16. What song is better?

A. Oh Dean by S-E-X

B. Sextool by S-E-X
[S-E-X was the favorite band among the group in this thing. And Oh Dean was written in honor of Dean. I can’t remember why.]

17.Why is six afraid of seven?

A. 7,8,9
B. seven ate nine

18. What is your favorite drink?
A. Liquor

B. Whisky

C. Tequila

D. Wine

E. All of the above

[Have I mention I was already drinking at the age of twelve…]

19. Are you a violent person?

A. Yes
B. No

C. Sometimes

20. Are you a piece of cheese?
A. Yes
B. No


If you answered Yes to number 20, you are really really stupid.

When the gang was in high school there Alison and Jake teamed up to get revenge on everyone else for something (no idea what). They spied on people and found out their secrets and sent them little mocking notes, of which we wrote down. Ph3ar our mad rhyming skillz!

A millionare, and a million dollar whore, a star-maker, and an unkown adulterer, a woman whose lust were as cold as graveyard snow. Five of the most powerful people in the world, yet they do not know it. What is the connection?

[This is copied almost verbatim from Cocaine and Blue Eyes, and has little to do with what was going on. I just thought it sounded cool.]

The millionare knows it, as do I, the deadly secret he’s trying to hide.

You know who I am, but you don’t, you want to tell but you won’t. You’re working with Matt, but truthfully I think you want to get further than that.

You need extra money, I know that is true. If you get really desperate, what else will you do?

You strip in a bar that is noisy and loud, but what you don’t know is there’s and extra in the crowd.

Suzi You wash the windows, you scrub the floors, when people come, you open doors. You do what they say, and take their hats, now I know you live at Matts.

You listen to people, you do what they say. If Matt weren’t gay, he’d have his way.

He’s seen more of you than most, I know you’ve had him as your private host.

You dumped Marty, yes? You had sex with Suzi, and you think she’s the best.

You know about Kim, I’m quite sure of that, I know about Carl, and I’m sure you’re madly in love with Matt.

You had sex with Michael and you liked it so, when you want some, you know where to go.

You’ve read all the stories, and you know what I think. You’ve probably done everything, even the kitchen sink.

Your parents don’t know what goes on at home, when they leave the house and you all alone.

Suzi You’ve seen other girls, and you know that their good. But what you want now, is Sydney in the hood.

Syd You’ve heard the same, and you know it’s a shame. That you’ve given up boys, to play with girls toys.

You’re in love with Michael, or so that’s what they say, but what they don’t know, is that you have to pay.

Kim's Story
Kim wanted some
So she had sex with Sean
She did it a lot
And pregnant she got
And she didn't know what to do
Because Michael just up and left "you!"
The Sentual End

And I leave off with a piece of artwork drawn in the daycare era, by “Kimberly.”

Apparently a very large girl named Helga is trying to grope Michael’s underarms. Kimberly has just stabbed “Her,” which has the name Billie crossed out under her picture. Maybe that’s what happened to Billie. And Cara, Gillian, and Selena are watching the whole thing with smiles on their very round faces.