Horoscopes!

I read way too much when I was a kid. Obviously. And one trend I noticed in some of the books I read was a nifty plot device in which the main character finds something hidden in a bookcase. When I was eleven I decided to tackle the bookcase in the front hall. If there was something to be discovered by God I was going to find it! It could be some old love letter hidden between the pages of an old book, something perhaps my father had tucked away before he died. My mind was brimming with the possibilities. It took me a couple hours to empty it out entirely and flip through every book. But I actually did find something hidden behind the books on the back of a shelf. Something everyone in my house claimed to know nothing about. A single sheet that was typed up on a typewriter full of insulting horoscopes. But being as into astrology as I was back then, I was far from disappointed. They still amuse me.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for to little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfar and aren't worth shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Otheres think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are logical and hate disorder. This shitpicking is disgusting to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. You often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon is a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.