My best friend was a girl named Amanda who remains my best friend to this day. We met in third grade and befriended each other in fourth. We were both outcasts, quiet, loners, and we both LOVED to write stories. Of course we were drawn to each other. Now we tried to coauthor books a couple of times but it just didn’t work out on pen and paper. Instead, we had roleplays. Roleplays that became long, over the top, drawn out soap operas.
It began with Sweet Valley, on a dark stormy winters night Amanda and I sat in my mother’s room playing the SVH board game and we began to make the piece talk to each other. It turned into a storyline. A continuing storyline. Eventually we added more characters and places and the whole thing sort of snowballed out of control. More on this later.
The second was Daycare, predecessor to Any Way the Wind Blows, in which Amanda played Kimmy and I played my Ultimate Mary Sue, Kella Coffield. There they drove Mrs. Cranberry insane, framed innocent men for molestation, dabbled in the dark arts, and played that wonderful children’s game, Dry Dry Wet. But today I am going to focus on Montrose.
Montrose was the third and last of our roleplays. In it we took the major characters from Melrose Place, turned them into children, changed their personalities, and made them all live in the same apartment complex! Make sense? No?
Now unfortunately the stories involving our roleplays were never written down except for some of Sweet Valley, but I do have my folder full of notes and other strange articles and my meticulous memory.
Characters as I remember them:
Kimberly Shaw: The wild child who was always getting into trouble. She was very vocal and demanding. She hung out with Michael and Jake. As she got older she had huge breasts. She tried to fake her death to escape from some crazy guy by jumping off a cliff with a bungee cord attached to her (Yeah, I REALLY liked Fall Into Darkness). She ended up in a box for six months before making her way back to Montrose super skinny. (Suspension of disbelief, folks!) She and Michael eventually had a daughter named Roxana.
Michael Mancini: A whiny, shy boy. I believe he was a bit of a mama’s boy. He was latched to Kimberly’s side. Jake was his best friend. He loved to torture Jane because she was in love with him. He had a way with women as he got older. In high school he got in trouble and was sent to live with his dad in the city. There he joined a gang and killed a couple of people, shedding his crybaby skin. He came back and swept Kimberly off her feet, but that didn’t stop him from cheating on her with Jo and knocking her up.
Jake Hanson: Jake lived in the worst part of town and his brother was an asshole. He was always in love with Jo and they got together when they got older. Don’t remember too much about him except when Michael came back from Chicago Jake followed his tough guy attitude. He never knew Jo’s baby was actually Michael’s.
Dean Morton: One of the few original characters to this series. Dean was rich and cool and best known for being bi. People teased him by calling him Mr. Morton, and singing Mr. Morton is the subject of my sentence, what the predicate says, he does. Eventually he married Sydney. He was also related somehow to Bruce Patman in our SV roleplay and there was some sort of crossover storyline that I can't remember much of.
Jo Reynolds: Pretty much Kimberly’s arch-rival. She was very aggressive and wanted to be the leader of their group as much as Kimberly did. Eventually the two formed an alliance. She married Jake but cheated on him with Michael.
Sydney Andrews: Jane’s younger sister who always had a thing for Dean. She was discovered as a model and lived in Paris for a few years. When she came back she had problems with money and worked at a strip club (she was like fifteen so it must’ve been a pretty seedy strip club). Dean discovered her there and took her into his arms and said she didn’t have to do it anymore and paid all her bills. Kind of pretty woman-ish.
Jane Andrews: A pathetic little girl who was hopelessly in love with Michael. She was Sydney’s older sister. She didn’t have much of a part. The first six I listed were pretty much the main characters.
Billy Campbell and Alison Parker: Everybody made fun of Billy. He grew up to marry Alison, who always loved him. He liked to write and was on his laptop all the time. Alison grew jealous and eventually gave him an ultimatum, her or the laptop. And Billy of course chose…the laptop? In a jealous rage when Billy was asleep Alison drew a face on the computer screen with lipstick and stuck a condom on the cord and left Billy. Yeah….
Billie Camp-bell: Pretty much the female version of Billy. She was only around in the daycare period. Don’t remember much about her.
Amanda Woodward: I know she was there but we didn’t do much with her. She grew up to marry Peter Burns.
Matt Fielding: The resident gay guy. He had a relationship with a guy named Marty. He ended up marrying Suzi, daughter of a maid in his parent’s house, out of convenience.
Suzi: Resident lesbian. She married Matt. She thought Sydney was hot.
Of course they started out in daycare and grew up and went to high school. I have a class list of the daycare placements.
Group 1: Billie C, Billy C, Alison P, Jane A.
Group 2: Jo R, Jake H, Suzi S, Matt F.
Group 3: The three-year-olds
Group 4: Dean M, Sydney A, Amanda W, Michael M, Kimberly S.
Now when they were in the fifth grade age group a new girl moved to town named Quinn Elsworth. Because that’s what you always do when you’re story’s getting a little stagnant, introduce a new character! Quinn wasn’t only just shiny and new, but she was pretty and smart, and not afraid to get into trouble. So of course all the guys liked her, especially Dean and Jake, much to Jo and Sydney’s chagrin.
Quinn, Jake and Dean were put into a special class in which they had to write and act out a play. Quinn had a beef with the teacher and was more than happy to write it. So under the guise of Quinn Elsworth, I penned the intriguing play of scandal and eroticism, Eight Sick Children Starring: Quinn Elsworth as Quinn Pauline Duncan as Pauline Ginger Garvin as Meryl Barbara Newton as Sela Dennis Morton as Wolfie Joey Hanson as Theo Melvin Warner as Rex Ross Sherlock as Jed
[I have no idea why Dean and Jake are credited as Dennis and Joey. Maybe I was planning to add this to my writing portfolio and feared copyright infringement??? Not likely…]
Meryl: What are you going to do Sela
Sela: I’m going to kiss him Meryl
Sela: All over
Sela: Because I want to sex him up.
Meryl: That’s great. After that will you sex me up
[Story so far: Sela’s a whore and it turns Meryl on, but Sela’s not so sure she’s into chicks.]
Jed: I need to be sexed up.
Rex: Why Jed?
Jed: Because I’m a lesbian Rex.
Rex: But you’re a guy Jed.
Jed: So I had a sex change Rex.
(Rex runs off into the night screaming)
(Sela walks up.)
Sela: Hello sex kitten.
Jed: Hi Sela.
Sela: Wait a second. I have to do something.
Jed: What do you have to do Sela?
Sela: I have to scratch my balls.
Jed: Can I do it for you?
(He scratches her balls.)
[Recap: Sela’s a he and Jed’s a she and Rex is by far the most normal person in this play.]
(Rex runs into Wolfie and Theo).
Wolfie: Watch where you’re go9nig ass hole.
Rex: Wolfie, Theo, please don’t hurt me.
(They beat Rex up)
[Recap: Theo and Wolfie are douche bags and Rex has no balls.]
Quinn: Pauline, you are such a bitch.
Pauline: You are too Quinn.
Quinn: You’re going to wish you never had said that--
And that’s where the play broke off and Quinn went off on a long winded spiel of how the teacher was making them do nasty things to each other and that he actually wrote the play and he ended up getting fired. Quinn had serious psychotic issues.
Amanda and I wrote a compatibility test for this series and each character took it. Some of my friends at school also ended up taking it. No boys, though, so I couldn’t really tell them who they were actually “compatible” with.
1. If you were stuck in an elevator for three hours, who would it be with?
B. Pee Wee Herman
C. Shenade O’Conner
D. Genevieve Morton [Dean’s MILF mom]
[Because these are the types of hard hitting questions that truly determine a good relationship.]
2. Out of these, what is your favorite.
3. Who’s your favorite actor out of these?
A. Jim Carrey
B. Brad Pitt
C. Tom Cruise
D. Leonardo DiCaprio
Who’s your favorite actress out of these?
A. Pamela Lee
C. Demi Moore
5. Which of these is the date of your desire?
A. Going to the beach
B. Going to the movies
C. Going to dinner
6. Which is your favorite position in sex?
[I think I’ll stop now…]
7. Which type of sex do you prefer?
8. Do you prefer pudding or jello?
9. Are you a boy or a girl?
10. What do you think are Bert and Ernie truly?
B. Ernie rapes Bert every night. That’s why he’s always pissed off.
11. Do you prefer sex to watching TV?
12. What are you?
[What? No bi option? And here I was trying to be politically correct. Or maybe I just didn’t realize people could be both yet…]
13. Are you a fruit?
[?????? The only thing I can guess is this was some sort of inside joke. Maybe?] 14.
What is funnier?
15. What is smarter?
16. What song is better?
A. Oh Dean by S-E-X
B. Sextool by S-E-X
[S-E-X was the favorite band among the group in this thing. And Oh Dean was written in honor of Dean. I can’t remember why.]
17.Why is six afraid of seven?
B. seven ate nine
18. What is your favorite drink?
E. All of the above
[Have I mention I was already drinking at the age of twelve…]
19. Are you a violent person?
20. Are you a piece of cheese?
If you answered Yes to number 20, you are really really stupid.
When the gang was in high school there Alison and Jake teamed up to get revenge on everyone else for something (no idea what). They spied on people and found out their secrets and sent them little mocking notes, of which we wrote down. Ph3ar our mad rhyming skillz!
Dean A millionare, and a million dollar whore, a star-maker, and an unkown adulterer, a woman whose lust were as cold as graveyard snow. Five of the most powerful people in the world, yet they do not know it. What is the connection?
[This is copied almost verbatim from Cocaine and Blue Eyes, and has little to do with what was going on. I just thought it sounded cool.]
The millionare knows it, as do I, the deadly secret he’s trying to hide.
You know who I am, but you don’t, you want to tell but you won’t. You’re working with Matt, but truthfully I think you want to get further than that.
Sydney You need extra money, I know that is true. If you get really desperate, what else will you do?
You strip in a bar that is noisy and loud, but what you don’t know is there’s and extra in the crowd.
Suzi You wash the windows, you scrub the floors, when people come, you open doors. You do what they say, and take their hats, now I know you live at Matts.
You listen to people, you do what they say. If Matt weren’t gay, he’d have his way.
Kim He’s seen more of you than most, I know you’ve had him as your private host.
Matt You dumped Marty, yes? You had sex with Suzi, and you think she’s the best.
Dean You know about Kim, I’m quite sure of that, I know about Carl, and I’m sure you’re madly in love with Matt.
Kim You had sex with Michael and you liked it so, when you want some, you know where to go.
Dean You’ve read all the stories, and you know what I think. You’ve probably done everything, even the kitchen sink.
Matt Your parents don’t know what goes on at home, when they leave the house and you all alone.
Suzi You’ve seen other girls, and you know that their good. But what you want now, is Sydney in the hood.
Syd You’ve heard the same, and you know it’s a shame. That you’ve given up boys, to play with girls toys.
Kim You’re in love with Michael, or so that’s what they say, but what they don’t know, is that you have to pay.
Kim wanted some
So she had sex with Sean
She did it a lot
And pregnant she got
And she didn't know what to do
Because Michael just up and left "you!"
The Sentual End
And I leave off with a piece of artwork drawn in the daycare era, by “Kimberly.”
Apparently a very large girl named Helga is trying to grope Michael’s underarms. Kimberly has just stabbed “Her,” which has the name Billie crossed out under her picture. Maybe that’s what happened to Billie. And Cara, Gillian, and Selena are watching the whole thing with smiles on their very round faces.