The Last Vampire Returns!!!!!

For those of you out there like me who had an unhealthy obsession with Christopher Pike may remember a little story he wrote about a special girl called The Last Vampire. For those of you unfamiliar with the work of Pike let me give you a little recap.

Once upon a time a little aryan girl named Sita was born in rural India around 3000BC.


Her father and some evil priests raised an evil spirit into the body of a dead infant, thus creating the first vampire, Yaksha. But the fun's only just beginning!

He grows up and is the toast of the village, being all sexy with pretty blue eyes, but has those pretty eyes set on Sita. He creates a following of vampires and forces her to become one against her will, threatening her with killing her husband and child.

Around this time Krishna's on the loose spreading messages of peace and love and Yaksha decides it would be fun to challenge him. He loses and Krishna makes him promise to destroy all the vampires he created and he'll let him die with his grace. On the other hand he tells Sita that as long as she doesn't make another vampire he will give her his grace, thus putting Yaksha and Sita against each other. That crazy Krishna. Always playing games.


Yaksha and Sita wind up going their separate ways (that was an awesome song by Journey, by the way), neither knowing what Krishna told the other.

So anyways, 5000 years later Sita by a wacky set of circumstances she finds herself a high school student in Oregon. She has to get close to a certain handsome classmate to find out more about his dad who she killed when he tried to blackmail her. His name is Ray and he's whiny and annoying and I don't really understand what she sees in him, not when the clever and funny Seymour is around. Imagine Winston Egbert, only sexier and with HIV. She cures him with her magic blood and he is forever grateful. She also hooks up with Ray.

Yaksha tracks her down. After 5000 years he's tired of living and wants to die, but he wants to kill her first, so he makes Ray fall out a window so Sita will break her vow not to make another vampire. She does and Ray is an even more whiny and annoying vampire. She tricks Yaksha into making him think all three of them with perish together by blowing up her house but she and Ray design pop up chairs that make them go flying through the roof.



After that a psycho named Eddie who works at a morgue and likes to make girls suck popsicles on their knees while he's naked wearing his high school letter jacket. To this day I wonder if popsicle was a euphanism for penis. He makes himself a vampire and drinks his mother's blood along with a bunch of people in LA. the murders attract Sita's attention and she and Ray go to LA to investigate. She finds Yaksha in an ice cream truck and finishes him off, drinking him dry, which gives her all sorts of magical powers. Ray dies in an explosion with Eddie and Sita is rescued by an acquainted FBI agent named Joel. The FBI take her and Joel into custody to Area 51.


She escapes and starts fooling around with one of the scientists who works there who actually is an old blast from he past named Arturo, who thought she possessed the blood of Christ back in the dark ages and liked to play around with it using alchemy. He made himself a psuedo-vamp, where he still needs to drink blood but has been aging slowly over the last 800 years and now looks like a middle aged man. He takes her back to area 51 where she sets off another nuclear explosion, but she's able to turn herself into vapor and floats out of it.

Then she uses Arturo's magic alchemic crystals she turns herself back into a human!


After that she meets Ray again, who apparently survived the atomic blast. Then it turns out she's pregnant!

She convinces herself the baby's Ray's and it grows at an abnormally fast rate. While pregnant, though, she meets a woman who's name I cannot remember, but who's pregnant by immaculate conception. The baby's a bloodthirsty monster named Kalika whom Sita has to kill people to get enough blood for, including a some poor kid with a heart condition. Kalika grows up very fast and is a woman before the end of the book. And Ray's actually a Phantom Sita created because she was lonely.


After that Sita goes on a quest to kill her daughter because she thinks she's evil based on a bunch of tampered phophecies and that she wants to kill her friends daughter, who is the next incarnation of Christ. Seymour got mortally wounded some time around here and she made him a vampire. He solved the issue of his virginity and ditched the glasses. Seymour, I would've loved you. Kalika gets killed by an evil snaky guy and Sita discovers she was trying to protect the baby all along.

Things die down in wackiville and Sita is approached by a spaceship full of humanoid aliens.


Yes, aliens. At least if my memory from twelve years ago when I read the books serves me correct. Anyways, they want her to go back in time and kill a bad Italian guy who's castrated. She does and accomplishes her mission but on the way back she plays with time to go back to when Yaksha was being raised in a rotting carcus of a baby and stabs him so he can never hurt anybody again, and she can live the life she originally wanted, with her husband and child, leaving to Seymour to die of Aids never knowing the pleasures of a woman. The end?

Not for long! I have just discovered that following the rereleased versions with pretty new covers--albeing Sita has green eyes on them when her eyes are blue. They're fucking BLUE!!! But I can learn to ignore the little things.--Pike is coming out with a new Last Vampire tale.

Thirst #3: The Eternal Dawn. there's no summery yet but one can imagine. When the Tales of Terror came out Pike stated in one of the little author's notes that Sita was writing her own stories, her early days. So it could perhaps be tales of her adventures over her 5000 year long life. Or maybe the aliens erased her killing Yaksha so she'd have to come back to the present because there was unfinished business with the God Baby. Who knows? But it's coming out in October and I for one am excited. ^_^ Hopefully it will be better than the godawful sequel to The Vampire Diaries that came out last year.