Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Unfinished Plays of an Underrated Playwright

I'm daring to be different and posting two days in a row. Today we have two very short unnamed and unfinished plays that went absolutely nowhere and I have no memory of writing. Yeah! Sounds like fun. Both were written in sixth grade back in 1996.

Scene 1

Carlos: So what do you guys want to do?
Heather: I dono. Anybody got ideas.
Josie: I’ve gotta idea!
Alex: Josie, your ideas are always trouble.
Becky: Yeah!
Josie: Oh, please.
Dean: I know!
Jim: So what are we gonna do Ducky. [Who the hell is Ducky?]
Becky: Yeah! [And Becky only seems to know one word.]
Jim: Come to my house and I’ll explain everything.

Scene 2 (school)

Josie: How do I look!
Heather: Like a hooker.
Josie: Very funny. Why are you in such a good mood.
Heather: Dean asked me out.
Josie: No kidding. What did ya say.
Heather: I said yes.
(Marc sneaks up behind them)
Marc: Were you lovely ladies talking about me?
Heather: Mark [yes, it‘s spelled different from one line above], you are just so concieded.
Marc: How can I help it with looks as good as min. So Josie, want to go with me to the dance tomorrow night?
Josie: Sure. I have nothing better to do.
Marc: Funny.
(Mark leaves)
Heather: How can you even stand to be near him.
Josie: Why can’t you ever ask me something hard, he has a Jauguire, how can I resist.
Becky: Hi guys. [Guess she was just standing there the whole time waiting for them to notice her… And she didn‘t say Yeah!]
Heather: Hi Becky. Are you going to the dance tomorrow night?
Becky: Yeah. [knew it was coming] How bout you?
Heather: I’m going with Dean.
Josie: Can’t you guys ever talk about anything important.
Heather: Can’t you ever shut up?
Becky: Yeah! [I’m starting to wonder if I did that on purpose…] Can you?
Heather: I guess not.
Becky: Yeah! […]
Josie: You two are just so immature.
Alex: Look who’s talking [where did he come from?]
Josie: Ha ha ha! Very funny.
Alex: I know. Want to go with me to the dance.
Josie: Sorry, but I’m taken.
Alex: By who?
Heather: Mark.
Alex: Your going with Mark instead of me.
Josie: Yeah! What’s it to you!
Alex: Well, that’s just fine with me because I’m taking Raquel.
Josie: Yeah right, I’m going to class.
(Josie leaves)
Alex: I hate her.
Becky: Then why did you ask her out?
Alex: I just felt like it.
Heather: Are you really going with Raquel?
Alex: Of course. Why would I lie? [Because you just asked Josie, maybe?]
Becky: Because your just a lying pig. [Seems like Becky‘s done a 180.]
Heather: That’s him all right.
Becky: I’m going with Jim.
Heather: He asked you.
Becky: Actually I asked him.
Alex: Wonderful.
Heather: Can you mind your own business.
Becky: No he can’t. He’s just like Josie, the queen of gossip. [What happened to Yeah!, Becky. What happened to the girl I was just getting to know?]
(Josie comes back)
Josie: I forgot something.
Becky: Josie, why are you going out with Mark.
Josie: Because I feel like it.
Heather: Well I don’t wanna be late, I’m gion ta class.
Becky: Heather, wait for me!
Alex: Well Josie, I guess it’s just you and me by the lockers. Wanna make out?
Josie: Get out of my face you pig.

Scene 3

Alex: Hey Raquel, wanna go with me to the dance.
Raquel: Sure!
Josie I

* * * * *

That’s it. Who was Ducky? What did Jim explain at his house? Sadly, we’ll never know.

This next one’s about the same length.

* * * * *

Act 1

Roxanne: I have the perfect place to go.
Vincent: Where Rox?
Roxanne: Shave White. [I feel the need to explain this. In In Living Color, in several of their skits they referred to a fancy restaurant called Che White, which at 11 I had no idea how to spell. If you hadn’t guessed, In Living Color was a huge influence on my young life.]
Vincent: Where the hell is that? [Unnecessary swearing! w00t!]
Roxanne; About ten miles south of here.
Vincent: I don’t know if you noticed this Rox, but we are in the middle of nowhere.
Roxanne: We go that way. [I can only assume she’s pointing somewhere.]
Vincent: Great! Let’s go.

Act 2

Valerie: Hello everyone.
George: Why if it isn’t my little Valerie.
Valerie: Hi daddy. Did you miss me?
George: Of course my dear.
Valerie: Where’s Holly?
George: She’s with Mayor Davis. You know, Sherriff Drake has been asking about you. [I’m guessing this is supposed to take place in the old west. Its’ sort of coming back to me. Vincent and Roxanne were the villains. Very unusual for me, though it sort of makes it more interesting imagining the lines being spoken with a southern drawl.]
Valerie: He has?
George: Yes, he has.
Valerie: Well tell him, I’me not interested.
Evet: Hello Mr. Paxson. Who is your guest? [Evet=Yvette because 11-year-old me couldn’t spell.]
George: Hello Evet. I’d like you to meet my daughter Valerie. Valerie, this is our new maid Evet.
Valerie: Nice to meet you Evet.
Evet: Plessure.
George: Well Valerie, how was school?
Valerie: I loved it. We learne about thes two outlaws named Roxanne and Vincent Vanders. [I knew it was a fricken western…] Rumer has it they’re hiding in the area.
George: You don’t say.
Valerie: I do say. And they are dangerous.
George: Holly ought to be here any minute.
Holly: Val, you’re home!
Valerie: Holly, is that you?
Holly: Yup! It’s me!
Valerie: What happened to you?
Holly: Puberty! [You do NOT say that right in front of your father, Holly!]
Valerie: Oh. My little sister is growing up.
Holly: Val, I’ve missed you so much.
Valerie: Let’s go for a walk, for old times sake.
Holly: Kay.

Act 3

Liza: Valerie?
Valerie: Liza.
Liza: Val, your home. Holly, why didn’t you tell me Val was coming home
Holly: Strangely enough, I didn’t know.
Liza: Guess what I’ve heard.
Valerie: What?
Liza: It’s about you.
Holly: What about Val?
Liza: Just that--are you sure you want to know? [Seems I discovered the dash around this time.]
Holly: Just tell us already Liza!
Liza: Tell you what? [Liza needs to die a horrible death.]
Valerie: The News about me.
Liza: Ohh, that. It’s old news, shouldn’t you know it already.
Holly: Just tell Liza!
Liza: Fine! Well Tony Drake told me that Valerie--you will be his wife one way or a nother. And you know what he’s capable of.
Holly: I know it al to well.
Valerie: That is a dirty rotten lie!
Liza: It’s gossip. [Not if he told it to you directly, Liza.]
Valerie: Well you tell Mr. Sherriff, that he can beat me, stab me, shoot me, do anything he wants to me, but I, will never marry him!
Holly: Of course, you’ll be dead by them. [That line is made of win.]

Act 4

Tony: Hey Davis!
Alex: Oh, hi Tony.
Tony: Alex, Alex, Alex.
Alex: what?
Tony: We’ve been friends for a long time.
Alex: What?
Tony: What?
Alex: I’me [Clearly I thought I’m had an e at the end of it. That’s the second time it appears in this.] not doing you any favors.
Tony: Who said I wanted you to do me a favor.
Alex: I know you Tony. Whenever you want something, you start sucking up to me like an idiot. So let’s just skip through all that and you tell me what you want, so I can just say no quickly, so we don’t have to go throug this ordeal.
Tony: Well, your girlfriend Holly Paxson--
Alex: No!
Tony: What?
Alex: I’m not involving Holly.

* * * * *

That‘s it. And it was going so well, too! I actually want to read more. *sad face* All I remember about his one is Tony (the Sheriff) wanted Alex (the Mayor) to help him get Valerie. How the Vanders played into it I have no idea. I’m thinking they held up the saloon or something and Tony saved the day, making Valerie see his worth. Alas, we will never know.

Next time: A little boy obsessed with his father’s nurse is determined to make her his and a girl falls to her death.

4 comments:

Sada said...

I like pretending that it's the same Alex in both plays and that he's going to ask Tony if he wants to make out.

Deathycat said...

Hahaha! Maybe I was secretly into slash much sooner than I thought...

Cory said...

I love Becky and her incessant yeahs. I kind of thought as her as having some sort of mental disorder, even after she started trash-talking her friends.

Kayla said...

I just found your blog. These are funny. I like the second one.