Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Writings of a Self-Deluded Pre-Adolescent

I know, I know. You want more Bratz Doll Theatre. It’s coming, I promise. But with moving some of my books have disappeared and I’m not quite sure what I did with my Barbie Bin. Not to mention I have very limited access to the internet. Recently I stumbled across a few blogs that document the writing attempts of young authors accompanied with snaky commentary and I felt inspired. So at least until I get things straight at home I’m going to be shamelessly copying them and putting up my own early attempts at the novel.

I first began writing at the age of six when my first grade teacher gave an assignment to write a short tale in four sentences using First, Then, Next, and Last. I found this to be an ingenious writing device and quickly penned several short stories focusing on the adventures of Sally the Cat on Rollerskates. They followed Sally, an orange cat (because I always wanted an orange cat to name Whisper because of the movie Milo and Otis. Yeah, I‘m not following that logic, either.), who glided around on rollerskates and was accosted by many a strange creature. After about five or six of these my mother advised me to expand my writing by dropping the First, Then, Next, and Last. What did she know? She didn’t appreciate my genius, that was for sure. And that quelled my desire to be a writer and, dejected, I went back to my goal of being a princess ballerina who explored the forests of Egypt.

When I was in third grade my favorite teacher ever, Mrs. Campbell, read to us The Dollhouse Murders, which seriously changed my life. That book made me want to read, which, of course, made me want to write. And write I did. First I plagiarized the bejesus out of The Dollhouse Murders and other Betty Ren Wright books by rewriting scenes and changing the characters names. I wrote a semi-original story or two over the course of third, fourth, and fifth grade, but those have all been lost to time. The oldest I have is an epic trilogy of plays entitled Dear Sister. The first written the summer after fifth grade, a joint effort between my best friend Amanda and myself. The other two I wrote on my own in sixth grade. They will eventually be posted by the awesome Sada over at 30 is the New 13, whose idea I have completely stolen. But what else is new, write? That was a clever pun. Laugh, you buffoon.

I’ll give you a quick sneak peak at the amazing literary works to come. You know you’re excited. I guess I’ll go up to ninth or tenth grade. We’ll see where it was my stuff went from bad to okay.

The Tie the Binds (later known as Black Velvet)
The story of a bunch of sisters of one whom is cursed. And her name is Velvet.

Jimmy Dearest
A girl with a thing for a guy named Jimmy whose life is disrupted when her unwanted sister decides to make her pay for what happened when they were kids.

Berkeley Manor
A young boy falls in love with his grandfather’s nurse and plays at being God.

The Day of Rebecca

A play in which one girl kills another for no adequately explained reason.

The Enemy Within
Two friends turned enemies travel between dimensions and screw up peoples lives wherever they go. This one’s finished, folks!

The Diabolical One
Some evil thing takes over the body of a little girl.

Serena’s Story
About a girl who…I have no idea. It’s been far too long. I remember she has sex.

No, this couldn’t possibly be about revenge. There’s no revenge in this story. If you’re looking for a story about revenge look elsewhere.

Six teenagers are gathered together to repeat the same doomed fate of those who came before them. Probably the best thing I ever wrote in middle school.

Kids in the third grade class are mysteriously disappearing one-by-one. It’s up to the kids to save themselves. Based on a true story. Not.

The Other
A cult-like group kills people. I don’t know how much of this was actually written.

I Meet Thee Again
The title that was so good I used it for two completely different stories! (and a poem, I think.) One is my attempt at sci fi, the other about weird immortal thingies.

An unusual girl with a strange magnetism punishes those who hurt her.

Any Way the Wind Blows
About the reincarnation of an alien princess who is born into a white-trash family with absentee parents and a lot of kids whose mother is an evil witch. It follows her day-to-day life. School, romance, murder, and prophetic dreams about her husband in her past life. I bet you can’t wait to read this one. This is truly the magnum opus of my young life.

And a bunch of unnamed crap.

Till next time I’ll leave off with this gem of a poem I wrote in 1995 when I was ten years old though I might as well have been five. I believe I was trying to attempt the writing style of the writing staff of In Living Color, with their clever Dr. Suess parodies, such as Horton Hears A Ho, Hop on Cop, Green Eggs and the Government Cheese, and How the Grinch Stole My Stereo.

A Disappointment

Once there was a Ho who lived in the Hills,
He had three kids named Fill, Dill, and Bill
And a wife named Lil.

He was expecting a forth,
But when it arrived it was a dorf.

Seventeen years later,
It was as tall as Christian Slater.

It went poo and doo doo,
And crapped everywhere,
It even crapped in its mother’s hair.

He worked at McDonalds,
And his name was Ronald.

Soon his poop became a problem, even more a disappointment,
And soon he found himself in the clutches of unemployment.

I have no words folks. No words.


Sada said...

OH MY GOD. I am picturing son-of-a-ho Christian Slater crapping all over a McDonald's... and it is surprisingly awesome.

Deathycat said...

That thought didn't pop into my mind until you said it. And well, it is kind of awesome. ^_^