Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Terrible Tales of Horror: The Diabolical One

What happened to Any Way the Wind Blows? Well, unfortunately I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. Oh. Darn. But never fear, I don’t believe it’s truly lost, merely it’s somewhere I haven’t thought to look yet. But until I find it I’ll skip ahead and post some mercifully shorter tales featuring bad writing at it’s best.

Today we have The Diabolical One, a heartwarming tale of demonic possession and self-sacrifice, started way way back in 1997. I didn’t get very far with this one, I only wrote the same scene three different times, but I do have nice detailed summary of how the story was supposed to go.

My initial notes:

The Diabolical One

Characters: Laura Carsen, Molly Carsen, Scott Mathews, Kevin Elsworth, Shannon Williams. The Diabolical One: Laura Carsen

Laura: 13 years old. Shoulder length blond hair. Curelean
[I sure was fond of that color] blue eyes.

Molly: 15 years old. Short brown hair that went down to her chin. Hazel eyes.


Scott: 15 years old. Brown hair. Light green eyes.


Kevin: 16 years old. Chin length dirty blond hair. Blue eyes.


Shannon: 15 years old. Long red hair that goes down to the small of her back. And brillian jade green eyes.

Laura is out to destroy the entire human race. Laura and Molly are sisters. Scott is Molly’s boyfriend. Laura likes Scott. Shannon is Molly’s best friend. Kevin hangs out with them. Laura is a vamparic creature, but not really, she’s not really a vampire. She feeds off human flesh, not blood. [So she’s a zombie? I wrote a zombie story? Awesome!] She is a demon and is not to be trusted.
First Draft:

Prologue

Laura Carsen made her way down the winding, twisting path made of stone that went several miles down below the serface, in silence.

It felt like a dream to sweet Laura. Everythign looked fuzzy, as if she were dreaming. But she supposed it was just the lack of oxygen.

“Why did I agree to this,” Sweet Laura [What’s with all this Sweet Laura crap?] murmered into the wind, pushing a strand of her shoulder-length platinum blond hair out of her porceline face. I wish Molly and Shannon were here, she found herself thinking.

“And Scott,” she added out loud. Especially Scott. Scot was bad. Not like all the other losers she knew. Laura could see what Molly saw in him.

Laura was a beautiful girl with as sweet personality, [She can't be that sweet if she likes her sister's boyfriend because he's "bad."] like her nickname said. Sweet Laura. Scot thad given her the nickname. Scott Anthony Mathews, her older sister’s boyfriend.

He’s only two years older than me, Laura thought. Sweet Laura herself was 13.

Why am I doing this? Why am I going into a freeky old cave which no one’s been in for twenty years, if that story is even true.

The counseler of their cabin--Carol--told them--Genine, Cater [Got that name out of an SVH book], Melanie--a story the night before.

It was about a girl named Crystal who went down to the caves 19 years earlier on a dare. No one knew what happened. The girls who were waiting at the top of the path into the cave said they didn’t here a scream, she just disappeared, into thin air, they said.

But now it was Sweet Laura’s turn. Sweet, sweet Laura, who made her way to the bottom of the path where vines reached down from the opening, as if they were waiting for the next poor unsuspecting child to walk in and become nothingness.

Well their not gonna get me.

Laura grabbed on fiercely to a section of the vines and pulled it down. “There.”

Laura walked in with her hands on her hips. “What a dump,” she murmered.

There was a rather large hold in the middle of the ground. Bones and skeletons all over the place. Bloodstains on the ground. [And she’s not running back the way she came? Moron! You deserve all the bad things that happen to you.]

Laura jerked her head up. What was that? She thought she saw something move in the corner. Carefully, she walked over, wary not to step in anything she’d regret. “Is anybody there? Genine? Is that you?”

Laura. Sweet Laura.

Her last thought in her moment of sanity. No. It can’t be. . .

* * * * *
Part One

Chapter One

Four Weeks Later

Shannon Williams and Molly Carsen sat in the Carsen’s driveway waiting for Molly’s mother to come back with Laura.

“So why’s Sweet Laura coming back from camp early?” Shannon asked.

Molly shrugged. “I don’t know. Mom said something about her being sick and not participating in activities, or some shit like that.”

“Sweet.”

Molly layed back and hit her head on the pavement. “Ow!”

“Well you should’ve been more gentle.” She patted the driveway. “this ain’t a mattress, you know.” [I think I liked Laura better.]

“I know. I hate being such a clutz. It’s just that Molly’s such a clutzy name.”

“I like it.”

“You would. Why can’t I have a pretty name like yours, or Laura’s.” [Well I guess you can tell how I felt about the name Molly.]

“What’s so good about Shannon? It’s normal. I know six other Shannon’s, I only know one Molly.” [The only Molly I’ve ever known was a ferret.]

“Yeah, but all the Shannon’s you know are pretty, you’re pretty. I’m just a plain jane.”

It was true, after all.

Molly had short, thick medium brown hair she wore down to her chin, dark ollive skin and almond shaped brown eyes, a complete opposite of Laura’s looks. Molly was also very short, being 15 and five foot two.

Shannon was five foot six, with long cherry red hair that went down to the middle of her back that went nicely with her catlike emerald green eyes.

Shannon looked at Molly strangely and layed down too.

“that cloud over there looks like. . . .” Molly trailed off giggling.

Shannon looked over. “I don’t see anything but a puffy white cloud.”

"Of course you wouldn’t see it, Shannon. You’re still a virgin.” [Burn.]

* * * * *

Scott Mathews sat in the passenger seat while his cousin, Kevin Elsworth drove.

“I know this girl who would be perfect for you. Now before you say anything, Kevy, I wnt you to know she’s very nice, and very beautiful, and I know you two will get along great.” [Scott already sounds like a douche.]

“If she’s so wonderful, why aren’t you with her?”

“I got’s me my Molly,” he shrugged. [Are they supposed to be southern hicks or something? Let‘s go with it. Southern zombies!!! w00t!] “And besides, Shannon’s still mad at me for nearly running her over when I was driving my Dad’s truck.”

“She she has a name, Shannon. Do I have anything in common with Shannon?”

“Yeah Molly says since you’re a Pisces, and she’s a Scorpio, you two like the water, and we live by a lake, if you know what I mean?” [I hope Kevy does, cause I sure don’t.]

“Well, no. Your parents died three months ago, hers di9ed three yeas ago. Both in plain crashes.”
[End of draft one. Not too terrible. The beginning was okay minus the Sweet Laura crap. Let’s see what came next.]
Second Draft:

Prologue - July

Laura Carsen walked down the curving vine covered walkway to the Diabolical One’s lair with care. She didn’t want to be the next sacrifice to the demon. She didn’t’ deserve that. No one deserved that. Except maybe Molly. It was her sister’s fault that Laura was there. [Thank God I dropped the Sweet Laura. But for some reason Laura now seems to hate Molly. *shrug*]

Why did I agree to this?, Laura thought. Two weeks before, Janeen Nelson had gone down to The Diabolical One’s [TM] lair. When she had come back, she was different. Evil almost. But she died before they could know what had happened to her down in the lair. And now Laura was praying to God that she would never find out.

I’m only 13, she thought. I don’t need this.

Holding a glowing torch in her hand she quietly moved downward till she saw some strange markings on the wall.

“What the hell?” Laura muttered.

They were of some kind of beast. He had claws for hands, horns for ears. He was large and hair and had some kind of blackish vapor around him.

[Something like this guy.]


“Weird.” Forgetting the drawing, Laura continued. Several minutes later, Laura made her way to an opening in the wall. Stepping inside, Laura looked around. Raising the torch, Laura screamed.

Inside the opening was a horror beyond belief. Laura with her white blond hair pulled up in a ponytail so tight, her big cerelean blue eyes raging wide with terror, Laura dropped the torch.

Hush, hush, sweet, sweet, Laura. [The sweet reared it’s ugly head after all.]

* * * * *

Chapter One - August

“So when’s Laura getting here,” Shannon Williams asked her best friend Molly Carsen.

“Today. Sometime.” Molly shrugged.

Shannon layed back on the asphault and sighed. She’d be getting her liscense in a few months, and she couldn’t wait. No more of her father [Guess she’s not an orphan anymore?] driving with her, telling her to do this, and to do that. Goodbye drivers permit.

“Shannon,” Molly started in a pitiful voice. “Do you think your father loves you?”

Oh no, Shannon thought. Molly was playing the “nobody loves me” game. “Why do you ask, Moll?”

“Simple. My parents love Laura more then they love me.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Why do I think that? Gee, I don’t know, Shannon,” Molly said sarcastically. “But it couldn’t possibly be my loosk could it?” she said with an emphases on the word possibly. [Can Molly be anymore melodramatic? I’m beginning to think this was the first draft.]

Shannon knew that Molly’s looks weren’t on the gorgeous side, and that Molly thought her parents were disappointed that she was no beauty. Not like Laura.

Laura was perfect. Her beautifully silk like blond hair. Her eyes were that beautiful cerelean blue that was seldom ever found except in babies. She was an honor roll student, and was very popular in Jr. High. And when she went into High school the next year, Shannon suspected she would be equally liked.

But Molly was the opposite. She had muddy brown hair that had no shine. Her eyes were a dull brown. Her skin was fair, unlike Laura’s tanned, and she almost always had a sunburn. Molly’s hair was cropped short, unlike Laura’s long, silky, locks. It was truly sad.

“But I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Shannon. You’ve never had that problem. Your parents love you. You’re gorgeous. You’re an only child. You’re so damn lucky it makes me sick.” [Shut the fuck up Molly. No wonder your parents don’t like you.]

By now, Shannon had learned to deal with molly bys imply agreeing with her. “Yes. You’re absolutely right.” But she couldn’t say Molly was completely wrong. Shannon didn’t consider herself “gorgeous.” [Most pretty girls don’t. Thus ends our first draft which was masquerading as the second. I feel misled. That was horrible. On to the next.]
Third Draft:

Chapter 1 - A Sweet Summer’s Night [This title would later be reused on one of the Dear Sister rewrite’s. I’m just so original!]

Laura Carpenter [No longer Carsen, I see.] crept silently down the narrowing stone walkway. It was only a dare, nothing should happen to her. It was a sweet summer night, the kind that penetrates into the soul. But never was there a souless existed it could penetrate into itself in the way of the twisted shadows that crept upon Laura’s back. [What. The. Hell. Was I drunk when I wrote this?]

“Laura,” it said. “Sweet sad Laura. Won’t you come and join me, darling? Will ya, honey? Please?” Laura heard it, yes she did. But for a long time afterwards, she pretended it never existed. Much like It pretended to Laura that she had ventured down into the unknown abyss.

“Laura,” It cooed.

“No! Stay away from me!” she screamed. It heard her, yes It did. But could a creature that never was to anybody but itself hear anything at all?

Laura ran, she ran as fast as her long legs could take her. Out of the cave. Out of the woods. Into her cabin and grabbed her notebook. Laura suddenly knew. She was just like Coryleen. But no. she couldn’t be.

Laura stood up. Why should she be afraid of a mystery? She had always loved to be involved in a conspiracy.


[And that’s where I left off. That one was kind of interesting. And now for the detailed summary I wrote in eighth grade.]

The Diabolical One

Main Characters; Shannon Williams, molly Carsen, Laura Carsen, Scott Mathews, Kevin Elsworth.

It beings in the summer before school starts at the summer camp Laura’s at. The girls in her bunk are telling ghost stories. Two of the girls are talking about the Evil One’s Lair, which is in a cave in the woods. Their saying how they found it but didn’t go in. Laura’s telling them their cowards, and they dare her to go in. she does, and when she doesn’t come out after a hwile, they get scared and run away. Laura has fallen into the Evil One’s Lair and It comes inside her and posesses her. Not a piece of it, but all of it. Laura does come back, but she’s not the same Laura who went into the Lair.

Meanwhile in the town, Scott come to town. Kevin [I got Kevin and Scott mixed up when I wrote this. They were just that unmemorable.] decides to set him up with his girlfriend Molly’s best friend Shannon. He thinks they have a lot in common. Scott’s parents died three months earlier in a plane crash and Shannon’s died the same way there years earlier. [Because sharing your grief over your parents death is the healthiest foundation for a relationship.] They go on a double date and Scott and Shannon hit it off. Scott is 16. Kevin, Molly and Shannon are 15. Laura is 13. Scott has dirty blond hair he wears down to his chin, and grey eyes. [By complete coincidence, my first boyfriend ended up looking exactly how I pictured Scott.] Kevin has short brown hair and brown eyes. Molly and Laura do not look anything alike. Laura has long honey blond hair and bright blues eyes. There is something in Shannon’s facial features that is similar. [You know where this is going. If you don’t, you haven’t been paying enough attention. If it’s not completely convoluted, I probably plagiarized it.] One night after they start dating, Shannon and Scott go skinny dipping in the lake and wind up making love under a tree on the shore.

When Laura comes back, she obviously not the same girl who left. Molly and her parents are worried about her and take her to the doctor. He finds nothing wrong with her [Demonic possession doesn’t show up on CT scans, btw.] They take her home. One by one, skinless bodies of people are turning up, and Molly notices that Laura disappears every night. So she decides to follow her. Laura meets her best friend and some boy Molly’s never seen before, but looks to be around Laura’s age. She continues to follow them and sees that they are the killers. Upset about what she’s seen, [mostly about them eating the flesh off the bodies, I’m assuming.] Molly runs to Scott and Kevin’s. By this time, half the people in town had left. Molly’s parents want to leave. Kevin and Scott take her home and Molly’s parents are packing up. They heard about her latest murder and they’re yelling at her for being out of the house that late at night and where’s Laura. Molly convinces them to go to West Virginia [they are southern!] without her and that her and Laura would go with them when Molly found Laura. Molly begs them to go and they eventually relent and go. [What kind of parents would leave? Really?]

The trio then goes over to Shannons and get her out of there [Who does she live with anyway? Her parents are dead.] and they go to an abandoned hotel to the top floor and lock all the doors and they make it so the elevaters break down and lock the emergency stairway. They talk about what Molly saw and the two boys say kill her. Molly screams no and Shannon says it sounds like Laura’s possessed [as opposed to just being a zombie.] Scott and Kevin start making jokes about the exorcist. [You can always count on teenage boys to truly be themselves amidst desperation and tragedy.] Shannon’s saying it probably happened at the camp since she was sent home early. They decide they need to go there and investigate. Since Scott’s 16, he has his liscense and can drive. They drive out there and find Genine, one of the girls who dared Laura. After yelling at her for a while, she breaks down and tells them what happened.

They go down there and find skeletons. They go back--it’s been a two day journey--and find the town a ghost town. They go back to the hotel and they decide they have to kill Laura. They go out and break into a gun shop against the girls protests and steal two shotguns, and go back to the hotel. They decide they will hunt for Laura the next day.

Molly sneaks out that night and tries to find Laura. She thinks he can somehow talk to her sister and get Laura to fight the demon inside here. Molly makes a noise as she leaves which wakes up Shanon, who doesn’t go investigate until the noise stops--she’d always been a light sleeper--thinks about what Molly said about Laura having a doctors appointment. One with her aunt, who was a doctor. She wonders if her aunt found anything wrong with Laura, so she breaks into the hospital. Once in, she looks out the window and sees Laura’s best friend chasing some guy doesn’t the street. She suddenly thinks of vampires and owners if Laura is some sort of one, and goes down to the morgue. She takes the droors out and put a little crucifix on each of the skinless ones. She then goes to her aunts computer and looks up Laura Carsen. Her aunt had said Laura was quiet and withdrawn, unusually pale considering that she’d spent a whole month at camp. But the most interesting part was her blood type; AB-. Molly’s blood type was O+. Shannon double checks. Then checks Molly and Laura’s parents blood types; A- and B-. she then checks her own parents; A+, O+. Shannon’s own was AB-. Shannon and Molly were born on the same day in the same hospital. Both delivered by the same doctor. She then realizes that her and Molly were switched at birth. [I was real into this plot contrivance.] But before she went to the hospital, she went to her favorite new age store to look up demonic possession. She found the certain think about Laura and they were sort of vampire. But they didn’t rise from the dead after their skin had been torn off and eaten. They have to drive the spirit into a sibling of the possessed one and kill that person to close the door to their soul. Anyway, someone had to die.

Meanwhile Molly does find Laura, but Laura attacks her and tries to eat her. Kevin wakes up and sees that Molly’s gone, wakes up Scott and Shannon’s gone. They get their shotguns and go look for the girls. Kevin sees Molly and Laura and shoots at Laura, which doesn’t hit her, and she runs away. They go over to Molly and help her up. Laura had taken a bite out of her arm and Kevin takes his shirt off and ties it around her arm and they go look for Shannon. They find her coming from the hospital a little dazed. They ask her what she was doing. And then start yelling at her for going wherever she did by herself. Then she says she knows how to save Laura and Molly asks her how. She tells her and Kevin says no Let’s kill the bitch. Molly ain’t dying for her. And Shannon agrees. Then Molly says she wouldn’t mind dying for Laura. And Shannon tells her it wouldn’t do any good. Molly asks why and Shannon says because Molly’s not Laura’s sister. And then explains about the blood types and that her and Molly were switched at birth. If anybody was ogi9nt o save Laura, it would have to be Shannon. Scott says hell no, but Shannon looks over to the horizon and the sunrise. Afterwards they go back to the hotel. Each have nightmares and Shannon wakes up and leaves. She thinks she doesn’t have as much to live for as Laura. The people she had grown up with as her parents were dead. The woman she had grown up with as her aunt was dead. Even though she loved Scott, she knew she could never live peacefully knowing she had the power to save Laura. [So she’s going to martyr herself.] She finds Laura bout the time Kevin, Scott and Molly wake up and go look for her.

Her and Laura have a battle of wills in a house where Shannon had found some cleaning chemicals and is going to drink them. She has her mind made up. Scott, Kevin, and Molly find Laura and Shannon fighting and try to break them apart. When the change occurs and Shannon breaks out of Scott’s grasp and runs into the house where she drinks the poison and kills herself. Outside Laura collapses and starts crying. Scott runs in after Shannon and gets the just in time to catch her as she falls into her arms, Dead. [So dramatic.] They are like vampires as when the original dies, they go back to normal as well. Scott sits in the kitchen holding Shannon, until Kevin, Molly, and Laura come inside. They bury her under the tree where she and Scott made love and they engrave her name, birth and death, and a little sentiment and have e little funeral. It ends with Kevin with her arm around Molly with her arms around Laura and Scott a little to the side, they walk into the East.


[I can totally see this as a zombie movie. It’s got sex, zombies, and melodrama melodrama melodrama! Let’s leave off with a snapshot from Kevin (formerly Scott) and Molly’s wedding.]


5 comments:

亦妮亦妮 said...

pleasure to find such a good artical! please keep update!!.................................................................

吳吳 said...

君子立恆志,小人恆立志。.................................................................

Alison said...

"Of course you wouldn't see it. You're still a virgin."

Bahaa. I love that sexual activity is the prerequisite for seeing cloud shapes. Unless that cloud shape looks "like..."

俊成俊成 said...

感謝不吝分享您的心得............................................................

Deathycat said...

@Alison: lol :p

What is with these chinese spammers?